As an example, I took my chat addiction of earlier times to a new level ending yesterday evening. I spent almost a week online creating a personality for myself that I wouldn't usually subscribe to, doing all sorts of things. Akin to Mr. Anderson and Neo in Matrix. This experiment, whether or not it was intended to be so, took me by the neck and I was into it all these 7 days without having a minute of existence outside of it! Now this is interesting: was I the personality I created for me in the past 7 days? Maybe. If so, then where was I all these years? If not, then is this real me thats blogging it out here? Then who was it that got created and felt like me in this apparent experiment?
Lack of sleep can also give a deep understanding of this make-believe world! In the deepest pull of sleep while awake, one just wants to sleep off, not knowing his own existence. No goodies of this world of any order can help him; why? If he's been struggling in this world, why is he not so keen on making it great here when totally exhausted, insomuch that he'll fall off to sleep? This sleep belongs to the world thats reality. It recharges the ones into the fall of this world. Its like charging a battery so that foolish games can be played, yet again!
I am clear that its the mind that hides out feelings built over lives and thats brought out in dreams or such temporary personalities. One may start out as an experiment but get led astray. Similarly, it may start out as a deep-lying desire, standing bare naked into the reality as another personality, no one knowing, taking you into belief that its you! I don't know to which category I belong between these two; I don't mind either or both, since its factually none!
Of course, many may call it a *multiple personality disorder*, suggesting a psychiatrist, who themselves are lost in their own Freudian world of everything-has-its-root-in-sex; but the world itself has us live in disorder. As the Greek philosophers said there's order in this worldly madness; since such a worldly chaos is ordered, its disorder, for me.
No thanks to your grip
Thats made me slip
From the high goals
Barely for a few souls
Still you've the power
To drop me even lower
Why I care is due to my past
That I haven't yet lost
Mind ya, its only your luck
Till my Guru's blessings work
And I'm taken to the right course
No longer to stay in virtual remorse
- Srila Prabhupada (ISKCON): Phase of 1997-99, when I began my so-called journey. I left the ISKCON following due to many a reason, suffice it to say that I am an advaitin.
- Sathya Sai Baba (Puttaparthi): 1997/98 onwards
- Swami Vivekananda: 1997/98 onwards
- Sri Govindagiri (Bangalore): Session 2001
- Ramakrishna Paramhamsa: 2001 onwards
- Swami Sivananda (DLS, Rishikesh): 2001 onwards
- Swami Chandrasekharendra Saraswati(Kanchi paramacharya): 2001 onwards
- Nisargadatta Maharaj: 2002 onwards
- Poonja Maharaj (Papaji, Lucknow): 2003 onwards
- Ghabri-ji: 2003 onwards
- Dattatreya: 2003/04 onwards
- Swami Paramananda Bharathi(Sringeri Shankara Mutt, Bangalore): Session 2005/06 onwards
- Swami Nithyananda (Tiruvannamalai/Bangalore): Session 2005
- Swami Atmaswarupananda (DLS, Rishikesh): YVFA 54, 2006
- Swami Purnabodhananda (DLS, Rishikesh): YVFA 54, 2006
- Swami Atmananda (Rishikesh): Sessions 2006
- Garibdas-ji (Rishikesh): Session 2006 onwards
- Anandamayi Ma: 2006 onwards
- Sant Jnaneshwar: 2006 onwards
- All humans, animals, trees, etc... factually, the entire nature!: always.
“Go deeper”, said the monk, to a person who found iron in the forest. Moving on, he saw silver. Still further, finding gold, he was unsure if he should stop. He moved on till he reached diamonds and other precious jewels, not knowing where to stop. (If Radha’s beauty is so charming, how enchanting will Krishna be? If Maya is so bewildering, what will that God be like? ) Suddenly, he thought that if the monk knew that there were these precious a jewel in the forest, why did he go barehanded? He realized then, that the monk had nothing, didn’t want anything and that made him happy. And so goes the story. Its not what one wants or what we have that makes us happy, but not wanting anything does! It is said-- wise men leave things before things leave them!
As Sridhara Swamiji says, the degrees of happiness are priya, moda and pramoda. Whatever thing we like is priya, wanting it is moda, while the experience of happiness on getting the thing is pramoda. Further, he says that the experience of happiness in pramoda makes one forget one’s own features, characteristics, etc, i.e., one’s own identity. This is due to the fact that the thing doesn’t bring happiness, but at that point we don't have any other desire. It gives a glimpse of what our basic nature is: ananda.
आनन्दहम् आननदोहम् आनन्दम् परमानन्दम्।
आनन्दोहम् आनन्दोहम् आनन्दम् ब्रह्मानन्दम्॥
ॐ तत् सत्॥
All talk of grace is totally useless if a person still goes on being calculative and careful even in helplessness! Why I feel so is because the story never ends otherwise. It loops back in a repetitive cycle of doership. While I feel that there’s grace towards a certain thing, to crosscheck so or to see if there’s grace elsewhere too is sheer arrogance. The grace, then remains not; its hypocrisy. As such, the most perfect thing to do is to take a plunge towards the grace; I’ll surely get more than my worth is how the belief should be then.
Moreover, since the blessing is for one, it need not be equally so for another. Why that; that another may not even subscribe to it as grace. Then why tap it? Its foolishness to think if the grace is sufficient or will it remain so tomorrow too! The hand that feeds shall always remain the hand that feeds.
Taking the plunge into the path shown by Guru’s grace is the shortest path. It’s the safest too. It not only gives what one wants, but gives more than what one deserves.
Last, I’d written of helplessness. That helplessness has a bad effect on the negatively inclined; even for the optimistic, it could break his back! I was reaching a stage of desperation and from fear that it might lead into frustration, I decided to take a break from the break that I’m already on! I took a bike trip to Bangalore. At each pitstop, I felt more lost on whether I’m doing the right thing. On this 8-day trip, the first 6 days were miserable in terms of results. The efforts seemed to have led nowhere and there was no hope of them leading anywhere either. Such juncture practically drove me amidst helplessness and surprisingly, that brought along with it, a feeling of satisfaction and contentment of having completed my part of the job.
With that feeling, I rode out of Bangalore, stopping over at Kadur as I’d done going towards Bangalore too! Overnight, the grace seems to have done its job and moving towards Sagar, grace had taken me up into the heights of bliss and nothing else, including the reason for which I took the trip, seemed to matter. As soon as that happened, I felt my job was taken care of by Him who gave me this feeling! And so it was to be. I moved on to a complete halt at Sagar. It struck 1400hrs on the clock, the time for lunch. Even before I’d switched off the engine, Ramachandra called me out asking where I was, saying further that he’s been trying to reach me. Soon, we discussed the matter out. He asked me to have lunch and be back by 1530, so that he gets others in the job involved. I’d time enough to have lunch and take a off-load bike trip to Varadahalli and be back. I’d a beautiful darshan of Sridhara Swami, whose grace, I found, had been working all this while. I thanked him and continued with the people that Ramachandra had introduced me to. The place that they took me to seemed almost perfect and my decision was more or less taken in favor of the mango grove. I’m waiting for Sankranti and for the Sun to cross over towards north!
There are two more reasons why the mango orchard seems to be a perfect solution for me. For one, Hebbarji had suggested near 2 yrs back that that’s what will work well for an agricultural layman like me. For another, while at Bangalore, my Guru announced his blessings well in advance by somehow dropping a small mango in the outer pocket of my bag from the Heavens! I still have it.
Paani ke pyaase ko taqdeer ne jaise jee bhar ke amrit pilaayaa
Aisaa hi sukh mere man ko mila hai main jab se sharan tere aayaa mere Ram!
(Jan 01, 2007)
Although I try to avoid it as much as possible, I’ve got in to the habit of taking afternoon naps since a good while now. Most times I do the shavAsanA instead. Today, however, I felt like sleeping much and did so. For some reason, in the dream-like state, I knew I was sleeping, I knew I was getting into the deep sleep state and I knew that I can wake up any time if I want to avoid the deep sleep. Knowingly I “let myself enter the deep sleep”! I don’t think I can explain this in a meaningful manner and I also know it why – many have failed to do so previously – but still I’ll try my worth.
The Absolute, that I term as deep sleep here, was trying to pull me into its hug, the pull bringing “pleasing pain”. I also wanted to get in, but some I told me that I’ll not be able to wake up then! Another I was sure that waking up is not a problem, trying to move limbs in order to prove so. Somewhere then, these I’s gave up the contemplation and landed me into the Absolute. The feeling was of merging into it, becoming One with It, stretched out from all directions and at the same time, some struggle that was trying to survive me! There was also a feeling of being responsible as a bestower of everything, in parallel to it, or going and coming out of the absolute feeling, as a wave. It was something of a push-pull activity into and out of the Absolute.
I’m thankful for such dreams, feelings, hallucinations, experiences, states, whatever they are, or are called as, since they allow me to understand what it may in principle be: Like the mother that plays with her child knowing it to be false, but acting to the faith of the child’s involvement, the Absolute does so too. The mother doesn’t even have to think that she has to act or not get involved, playful participation happens automatically. So too, the Absolute is involved in the play of bestowing everything as Ishwara, while not being involved, automatically.
om tat sat