There's infinite grace out there that keeps on pulling you like a magnet at various intervals, most so when you're in great trouble, sAdhanA-wise. Its just like your Guru saying "Don't worry, I'm around, no matter what". The sad part is balancing the middle-path act. As it is things aren't getting any better with a place to settle down. To add to that pain, people want me to to take to one path or the other, but not both. What I want, I don't have the approval and blessings for. What they want, I couldn't care any lesser about. Now there are new set of them, who want me on the other side! These new set of people care a lot for my sAdhana, not that there weren't any earlier, but now the number has increased. Others seem to think that I want to be on the banks opposite to the sAdhakA's; opining that I want to get into grihastA's shoes! Thats quite contrary to what I'm targeting. However, I'm trying to develop a passion to keep me among the worldly, but not too much passion to cross the river across to the wrong side. My idea of passion is a hobby... such as learning music or teaching stuff (I think) I know; trekking, funding it with some earnings, some investments; gardening for a bit; an expensive hobby like driving a car, owning it; or photography; blah blah... I think you get the drift. If you don't, here's more clarity: a hobby that takes a chunk of time off my sAdhana, but doesn't involve me much with more people than "necessary"; all these also mean things I can *give up* anytime without any broken or held-back commitments. sAdhana goes in ups and downs due to these newfound habits and thats precisely what I want to do, keeping the surface outlook going up and down, while the undercurrent becoming strongly spiritual. However, this approach has its own grave losses.
Now for the whining on the losses; stop reading right here and skip this para, if you can't take it please. When I was ready to get into complete seclusion for intense sAdhana, I didn't get the right place. Now that I've taken a back seat on a middle path, developing newer interests to the happiness of all that are concerned with my "worldly" life, the ones concerned with my sAdhana are offering me great opportunities for spiritual upthrust, possibly for a sudden recovery of lost years. Of course, as usual, I've been driven incapable to take a bold decision to that effect, since I want to keep my family and friends happy with being in the world. I do know that I may even be blaming them for my incapability to factually jump ahead, but I can never be sure. The reason is understood better with some example... say, I'm like the cow that thinks that if she's untied , she would go out into the hills to graze, but she'd never know unless she's really let free. Its a funny life for her. Its a funny life for me. :)
Flashback: nearly a year and a half back, I bought a piece of village land to pursue my middle path in all seriousness. It turned out a joke just like all my pursuals so far. :) There wasn't much ego out there and thats why I was able to walk off the legal hassles with ease. Its like my Guru carried me out of it. Around the same time, even earlier to my getting myself into that land nonsense, I'd an interesting offer to get into seclusion. That was some place that I wanted to go, but couldn't till a few months back. Then too the middle path raised its hood again and warned me of my "commitments". Hah! Even so, things were totally different out there. I was at home right from the moment. Immense power of Guru's presence spoke unto me. It showered grace with an invitation to follow things the way I intend to. Hmm, I thought, and that was about it. The thought had, for some reason, vanished into the background for a long time. It resurfaced only during my visit few months back. This person, after our introduction and biographic background, made an extremely valid observation to my mind, almost a conclusive one at that! I confess that I'd come only close to it from another angle, but never did it occur in the clarity that he showed. It had to be Guru's grace, undoubtedly. I'll try to put the essence of that chat between Vishwanath (V) and me in a transcript:
V: You underwent so many problems on so many fronts in such a short time. Don't you think its for a good reason?
me: Yes, it is. Its all Guru anugraha working, my prArabdha is getting cleansed, rather washed away.
V: But don't you think that you're not destined to buy a piece of land, stay at Sagara and settle down there with a house?
me: Hmm... perhaps so. I don't know, only time will tell. kAlAya tasmai namaH.
V: Even the job you took recently didn't work well for you. It just occured to me that all these are indications that you're meant to join an ashram instead.
me: It looks like that, doesn't it? I'm not in a position to take that decision. In fact, I've stopped taking any decision since a while now. I go with the flow. However, I'm commited to my parents and they do not want me to join an ashram.
V: But its not working for you; what can you do?
me: Well...
[I went on with my boring middle path purANa :) concluding with possibility of hopping places and ashrams, but not joining any, or staying longer with saMnyAsis during cAturmAsa, but thats about it. None of that has happened yet... life passes by!]
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