Tranquility

I'm having a sudden feeling of tranquility, which had become rare off late due to my dissolving myself in movies by choice. The idea was to take a back seat, let time adjust circumstances to my convenience to pursue sAdhana, while still not getting into the worldly crowd.

Today's tranquil disposition is all thanks to not being able to stop myself from replying to a mailing list thread where one gentleman found himself in a position similar to mine, some years back. While he was seeking guidance on what to do and there were/ are people replying to it, I'd to share my thoughts and experience for what its worth. More than helping him, I think it was an opportunity for me, a wake up call if you will, to reflect upon things as they stand at this juncture of my geographical shifting, perhaps for good! Here's what I wrote there:

First of all, I'd like to say that my reply is purely on inner-feeling, I didn't approach anyone in the mortal body for guidance but submitted to whoever I consider as Guru and I still know that I didn't decide, but the decision was taken; I just seem to have acted out. Later on, I did get approval from some saMnyAsins and sAdhakas that I met. However, you may kindly choose to consider the reply as an ego-driven one, which may be so in all possibility!

I went through a similar phase some years back and began to theoretically plan out early retirement; that failed, of course! I knew I was not ready for saMnyAsa due to vAsanAs and responsibilities due to pUrva saMskAra, but I also knew that I can't contribute to work to the extent that I started feeling guilty of not justifying my salaries. I'll not get into boring details of my dvandva bhAva then, but suffice to say that the best effort you talk of itself became a delusion to me. Perhaps, thats a feeling for you too. Finally, I decided to try a middle path as a way out, which meant giving up without planning and assuming that there is a plan due to which I survived thus far. This middle path meant that I'd earn and save on need basis or more appropriately, reduce needs to fit the savings, till I have dependents (it may be worth mentioning here that I chose to remain a bachelor) and focus on chitta shuddhi. I went through lots of ups and downs since I walked out of my job over 2.5 yrs back, including taking up a job for 3 more months elsewhere to sustain, all thanks to this middle path, but I haven't regretted it once. The only thing I regret is sidelining my viveka-driven vairAgya and keeping all sAdhana aside to totally commit myself to laukika workplace for the duration of notice period, which extended to 10 months! Bhagavatpada, to the best of my understanding, strongly recommends saMnyAsa at the first glimpse of viveka vairAgya, else it is prone to get diluted into the worldly. For those who fail to act on it for whatever reasons, the middle path works better if there is a lot of self-imposed discipline and satsanga, till there is a Guru to guide. Its much better if you have one already, IMHO in a mortal body or not.

Finally, you're the best judge of your vairAgya and to act upon it, because karma theory ensures that you get what you deserve. I thought of sharing my thoughts and experience here because I took that step you're considering, although you may want to serve the society while I felt I was incapable of that. Yet another option may be to afford a sabbatical of a year or so and decide at the end of it whether you were right. That all depends on how confident you feel of going back to where you were, if need be. But socially, a lot of "acting on it" is based on one's responsibility as a family member, and what the family thinks, be it in a world of mithyA. In any case, I'd request you not to give up your sAdhana be it as a fulltime activity or parttime. May God/ Guru guide you on your path.

Apologies, if I've accidentally stepped on anybody's toes here with my conviction.

gurOrpaNamastu