My internet was down since yesterday until a couple hours back and I received an sms this morning that gave me some suggestions on do's and don'ts today without any specific context; I get irritated and tortured when people go on talking without telling you the context! Even that faded away by a'noon, until now. So I thought of searching through mails and stuff for today's date, found an archived chat with a mention of this date, then searched my blog and bingo! To reconfirm, I also searched my emails for "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" which has been the subject line of my last day at work since Tek. :)
I left Tek for pursuing something thats close to heart, so much so that people wouldn't believe it if I told them that those were my childhood dreams! But what people do not understand that this path is a long one, its one that begins at a certain unknown moment till another certain unknown moment. At that first certain moment, whenever that is, all that you have planned, in the time that you've planned, the way you have planned, etc, all are meaningless. The time itself is meaningless then. Its just a journey of a pursuit for something that you think is hidden from you and you search for it in any way you can. Its not a path where you can measure success, because success is getting something you already have and you won't know till you know it. And till then, the world sees it as a failure. Beyond that too, the world still sees you as a failure because they don't know what you know! Still, its all very interesting. :)
Lets see in worldly eyes, what have I lost these 3 years: a brand, a job, a salary, a huge sum of monies, a chance to find another job in this recession, an opportunity to build/ buy a house in a "happening" city at 3 yr old rates, work experience, contacts, etc. I'd one chap, who's also on the path and connected with me on one of the networking sites, message me asking me to join back the industry where all the "experience" is. And mind you, he meant experience in the sense that teaches us to live by the force, meaning not work-experience but spiritual. I almost burst into laughter, but then fell physically ill with more exchange of messages with him! The reason I'd laughed it out earlier is because someone who doesn't know what I've gained
So what have I done in these three years? Let me recall some things: I went and learnt discipline at my 2 months at YVFA, Rishikesh. I made some satsanga friends there. I found some great guides and teachers I can go back to when I'm stuck with anything on the spiritual front. God has been kind. I found some invites to stay forever in some ashrams and have managed to stay clear of them due to my commitment to the middle path. I searched a lot for a peaceful place for my sAdhana and bought out a land with the blind trust that I put in people. I got some people to follow up on it and get titles on my name, in vain. I planned to build on those 5 acres of land back then. I'd done away with all my money in that village land and went into dire straits not getting land, losing money and not having a place to stay. In that moment, I got a job as grace, went out to grab it, hang in there for 3m and 20d, till my village land went into legal hassles. I went back to that village, rented a place for a year, fought the legal battle and won back the land. Meanwhile, I read some books, saw tons of movies, fought lure successfully at times, failing at others, built tremendous patience, and did whatever possible sAdhana I could in the mess I was in. I sold away the land back to the person who put a case against me anyways, not wanting to break his ancestral property, losing a lot of money, time and opportunity cost! I sold some investments to survive, bought an old car to drive around in the hills a bit before I gave up villages and returned back to Mumbai. Now I'm sitting here, catching up with lost contacts, waiting for time to put up a favourable moment to take my next step, whatever that is. :)
Lets see in my eyes, what I've gained or lost now, shall we? I learned a lot of things about how people see you when you're off work. This was something unimaginable to me, not that I care, but a learning experience nonetheless. I learnt patience... an immense value quality on the path. I learnt that walking the path is an experience of bliss that you get not by talking it alone; you can't swim in theory! I know what to do to succeed and what not to do to become lethargic or worldly again. I know how to get back into the world when needed and come out of it without getting involved. I know how risky it is to go out there and try to settle alone when the world preys on you! True story! :) I learnt that the middle path is more difficult since the worldly hurdles are so much more that spirituality crawls in it. I know what I have to do next in order to get to my sole goal and I've learnt to ignore everything that I need to do to get there or waste doing but still return to get there. I also learnt an important lesson of how to do things first and talk about it later, if need be, than the other way round and lose it totally! :D I learnt to live in the moment... losing track of time... as you can see from the length of this blog too! ;)
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