Thoughts 43

43. If I say that people shouldn't talk bad about others, am I not doing the same?

Thoughts 42

42. The spiritual path doesn’t allow one to step on its holy ground with a baggage of emotions and attachments.


(Once I wrote a poem on love. Today I feel like reinforcing the same in prose)

Why we love a thing, animal, person or God is beyond our intellect’s vision. Such love doesn’t care if one has seen, met or known the other or not. It doesn’t care whether one gels well with the other. It doesn’t care if such relation brings benefits or losses. It doesn’t challenge any faiths. It doesn’t expect anything. It exists for its own sake. That love is true love that doesn't change even if the thing breaks, the animal bites, the person hurts or the God doesn't answer prayers! Its neutral, without any qualification whatsoever. Even trying to describe such love is polluting its purity.

More on karma

What are emotions, how do they arise, why do they involve our entire being into reacting in anger, love, happiness, sadness and million other feelings? Frankly, I do not know all this. Then what is it that I know about it? They called it karma.

That a circumstance, inclusive of people and surroundings, formed around me for me to react emotionally is karma. How I fell into such an emotion is built over ages. For things we see and have the power to analyze, we termed as habit; but same habitual history that cannot be traced across lives (sometimes traceable in the same life), they termed as karma.

Logically, we may question it, but do we have answers to why a child cries when a certain thing is taken away from it while the other child doesn’t? Do we know why a person grows up with a certain set of likes and dislikes of things without even those being exposed for him to form a habit? All psychology aside, we do not know it for *sure*. So instead of shooting in the dark, “we do not know” is the proper perspective. The same karma is easily understood by mathematicians and statisticians, when applied to inanimate objects, as “law of averages”, while moralists sing “I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned”.


I think this is right and therefore I’ll do it. This is how we live. Many times, it doesn’t work out so. We fall short of effort, or even after putting in efforts, we do not succeed in our mission. Why does it so happen? No one has an answer to this question. Not being able to understand this principle is helplessness. Even if we think that we are right in doing one thing, we’re still not sure wherefrom such a thought of rightful conviction arose! That is indeed helplessness.

Many intellectuals have tracked this thought back to the source and realized that the unknowable will always remain unknowable! That I’ll know the unknowable is an ego that thrashed on its way still not being able to get to it. Others have submitted themselves to the unknown by falling weak in this helplessness. To them, the secret opens up. That acceptance of helplessness is the power that melts the god to show the infinite for the devotee to merge into.

yasya deve parA bhaktiryathA deve tathA gurau
tasyaite kathitA hyarthAH prakAshante mahAtmanaH

The Self

The darkness sets the sun, in its play
Thereupon, the moon begins her dance
Of virtue and sin, night and day
The Self, witnessing, in its own trance

The moon watching the sinking soul
Hides in Shiva’s hair, whole
The jiva, making its own ties
Takes up numerous births and dies

Realization being the only goal
Break up the unworthy troll
Lighting the jiva, wiping the cloud
Hear the pranava, clear and loud

Ah! The Self, rising like the Sun
Stops the world on the run

Immense Happiness

Immense happiness, of the order of madness, has abruptly, and without reason, taken over me! (Or is it taken me over?!) Since morning, I decided to set the ball of pending things in motion and so I went out with a list of things to do. Towards afternoon, none of the important ones got done, still leaving me extremely happy. I haven’t been able to find out the reason yet and that has made me even happier. This quest to find out the *source* of happiness is increasing it in bounds and leaps as if in a geometrical progression!

Instead, I tried to measure this happiness hypothetically and concluded that its equivalent to a millimeter away from madness, if the sea level is sanity and Tapovan is the start of insanity J

idam mama,
om tat sat

Thoughts 41

41. If the medication is sweet, the cure is a matter of time!

Living with Maya

I wrote a year or so back that as much I try to leave something, that something chases me back. Its clear that such chasing back is always with equal or greater force. Today, as I try to analyze and discuss it too, I realize it is all for good reason: Maya. We may have heard of some the species that are getting extinct and the fight for their preservation. The people who fight for it are a basis for those species to survive. Similarly, Prakriti needs a good basis to survive. Anything and everything that exists, exists in a balance. Any tangential behavior to the continuum poses a threat to Prakriti’s survival starting with disrupting the balance.

When a spiritual aspirant tries to dissociate the body consciousness, Prakriti causes many a changes to tie him up in the body. These changes mostly appear as laziness causing lethargy to act in the beginning, for example. Later on, when one rejoices the laziness, it makes a person to act by changing the circumstances drastically and suddenly. A person unprepared for changes in his slow moving life gets a shock and reacts accordingly. That’s a pull of consciousness into the body. Other times, a sickness that one does not bother for causes Prakriti to attack routine functioning of the body, at times vital too. Swami Vivekananda’s body was said to have met its mortal end through a vital bodily disorder. My understanding of the matter is that brahmacharis who are succeeding in ignoring the Mayic traps of lust and other attachments are bound to face similar attacks from Prakriti. If one succeeds in even ignoring these things, his progress drops down to a frustrating crawl or even to a feeling of time standing still! Having found patience to be the key, the sadhaka moves on. At which Prakriti poses various games in the mind since the weaker mind can definitely kill the spirit. These arise as fears, doubts, regrets, etc, in the waking hours or if not so, the attack continues in the dreams or sleep from which one finds himself woken up at odd hours of the night and such make-believe stories taking their hits on the mind in the waking state!

The struggle continues still.

sridharA neene kAyappA


A couple days back when I was repacking my books, I hit upon a book gifted to me. I opened the same to a random chapter and read it out; I liked it. Towards the end of the chapter, however, there was a quote written: Patience is the best penance!

As I write this, more of its meaning has struck me, so I’ll take a detour to mention that lest it be forgotten among my weak memory waves. I’ve been struggling among the people I didn’t want to end up with, especially during my stepping into my sabbatical. Its been one thing after another since the past four months that have taken away the key to the treasure trove I’m hunting: patience. Although I knew it, I’m losing the key every day in an event or two, with always and immediate after-thought of momentary regret! Similarly, the health’s toll too has caused a lot of pondering and a feeling of being tied-up among the circumstances that I cannot move out of, even if wanting to. The quote yells out to me that here’s my lesson: the thought that I’ve lost pace or so many months are lost is wasteful, since even these are washing away my prArabdha, in a way. So, that’s the tapasya of some hidden form and that’s the penance that must suffice for now till new doors open automatically! Otherwise, I’m just being cruel and thankless towards the God who’s all-loving and neutral; I’m also being greedy to ask for more than I deserve!

Returning back to what I wanted to write about initially… what (else) patience does. It works absolute wonders for a person who’s trying to go within. Circumstances that test the patience of a sadhaka provide and opportunity to question reactions. With such questioning over a period of time, one realizes that the surroundings wouldn’t change whatsoever. Its like breaking one’s head on the wall, unless one tries to neglect the conditions in totality. This neglect leads a person into silence, which is what one is targeting in meditation anyways! Aha! The key’s found, treasure’s now just a matter of time.

How can I miss you?

(Originally written on May 6th, 2006; lost and traced between PCs and places!Edited and extended on Dec 7th, 2006)

You’re the sound of silence
Heard with immense patience
The smell of mud
Like flower within the bud
The taste of water
Like milk having butter
The heat of the fire
Amidst the mind’s ire!
The touch of the wind
Like a healing hand
The sight of the sky
Like life that will never die

Summing up

Dec 4th 2006 (Datta Jayanti)

Last year, this time around, on Datta-Sridhara jayanti, I was at Bangalore and spent the first half at Vasanthapura at Sridhara Swamiji’s paduka mandira. Today, I’d initially planned to go to Varadahalli for a similar darshana and prasada, but that was not to be. Even a visit to have paduka darshana at Ramatirtha nearby got shelved. I wasn’t even able to do my routine puja today! As my earlier self, I would get frustrated with such happenings and beg for grace. Today, however, I can feel the grace even in such seeming denials. Why, I can’t really say, but I feel so; nay, I know so. So, I’m going to write something about how I want to exist now, henceforth!

Let me start with a prayer or two to my most beloved guru, Sridhara. Why I say most beloved is because I know Shankaracharya from only his writings and others’ writings about him, Ramana through such and his video too, but Sridhara through these and people who’ve met him, heard him, touched him, lived with him and moreover, through his voice! Perhaps, I say this (also) because I feel it more today through his grace on this special day of his jayanti. It’s a bhakti-bhaava.

guru dattAtreyA shripAda rAyA
narasimha sridhara guru rAyA

namaH shAntAya divyAya satya dharma swarupiNe
swanandAmritatriptAya shridharAya namo namaH

What I wanted to talk of today, is how is the existence today and how it should be! I’ll, for some reason, say the latter first. The existence must be childlike, not childish of course! A child gets something and loses interest in it as soon as the next interesting thing comes to it. That is, it’s a moving interest if it may be called that at all. It doesn’t remain stuck to any one thing for a long period of time. The so-called interest in a particular subject or object, for a child, is for interest’s sake only. It’s a different matter that it learns from it and uses such data later on, gets attached, and grows on to be an adult like us, totally tied up and bound to all sorts of things, good and bad. But suppose we draw a line just there as to the child’s interest for interest’s sake, or better put, child’s doing something for no particular reason but only because it needs to be done (eg, for others like parents, relatives, etc). That line would define how I would like to exist: existence for existence’s sake in this world. Its not a negative, lost-everything, kind of outlook towards life as *many* might feel, since within, there’s an entirely different world, full of bliss. As long as this bliss continues, there’s nothing wrong in what is happening around… I’d merely be a witness. Again, to me, it’s a positive thing.

Next, how life was until now: the childhood is a living for others, according to others, not knowing anything, learning, not learning, right or wrong, most of it being visibly circumstantial. Later, a stage comes where we *feel* we live for others, or even as if we live because others live for us! However the case may be, we do make plans for tomorrow, losing today, exhausting ourselves in a bandwidth that’s beyond our catering! Having done that, lost and fixed health, we age and then on, our (over-grown) family feels our burden since we, even if not a burden, expect them to live according to the terms that we’ve defined lifelong. (This may probably be one of the reasons that Vedas declared vAnaprastha Ashrama, wherein a person is expected to leave his family behind, at most, taking his wife along, for children to live on their own terms). We do not remain happy and contented with what we have achieved by then and want more from life, materially. We have got attached to people and things we built around us over the entire era that has gone, judging and misjudging everyone and everything. That attachment will have bound us to such an extent that we do not allow ourselves to step an inch away from any of that. To justify our behavior, we also state all the troubles we’ve undergone in past years, not knowing that it was all for ourselves and for our people that brought us pleasure! No one cares for it today since the past is valued little, by a few people, if at all. A child relates to its parents and viceversa, emotionally and that’s the most difficult barrier to break: to step away from them. Even anyone wanting to take a plunge so finds it hard to believe that the first (physical) cut of the umbilical cord bound us to the society but the second (logical) cut of it frees us for ever! Somewhere during that time, we may or may not realize that Death awaits us across the fence as an atithi (uninvited guest), like a vaishvAnarAgni to whom our final Ahuti need be given!

Om asatomA sadgamaya
tamasomA jyotirgamaya
mRityormA amritamgamaya
om shAntiH shAntiH shantiH

dattaguro'rarpaNamastu: ramaNArpaNam, shankarArpaNam, sridharArpaNamastu


What fear is, how it manifests and what does it finally mean is a topic of my interest presently. Fear, by mere definition, means “an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger”. Since dictionaries tend to generalize the meaning, we could accept fear so. However, what that specific pain is, is outside the lexicographic domain. I relate that specificity invariably to death! Its as if the fear of death, knowingly or unknowingly, is the substratum for all the fears; it’s the mother of all fears.

Be it the fear of snakes, ghosts, all sorts of phobias, or even that of the unknown. Ironically, I wonder if the fear of life, for people who attempt suicide, is also a fear of death! It may be a little far-fetched, but its something to think about. For now, lets take it for me to be saying that barring the fear of life, all other fears are but a fear of death.

Only because fear concerns itself with the matter of death, the locus of fear cannot be found. Just as any other matter related to death or death itself is a mystery, so is fear too. Fear is an inherent feeling just as existence is. It arises subjectively depending on other external factors, but it arises internally. Fear, by itself does not stand separately outside an individual. It’s a phenomenon that grabs the mind and takes it along into its depths towards the area that we may term as a death zone. A person, when in fear, cares about nothing, however logical or scientific.

So how do we deal with fear? I personally feel that trying to analyze death itself could cure all the fears. What is it that excites a person about life? What is it that an individual is going to do living a longer life? How will it matter to a person what lies after death? Does it affect how a person dies? To such series of thoughts, someone eventually brings up: your family will be affected if you die or even if you don’t, a handicap could burden your dependents more than death. Now that’s categorically fear, is it not? So, you tag along with life the way it is. But, if you carefully analyze this botheration, you could easily see that what we consider as a matter of concern for our family is factually a matter of our own concern. That I may not live to witness my family suffer is not a concern towards the family but it’s a selfish feeling of not wanting to be pained by my family’s suffering!


(Originally written on May 8th 2006, lost and recovered between PCs and places!)

Yesterday, since noon, I was feeling a little uneasy without reason. Even after trying to find out what it was, I couldn’t get anywhere! Later towards the evening I started going into depression. So as not to brush it off on someone else, I switched off my cell and tried to sleep. Through a long night that it was, I managed to catch glimpses of sleep. I woke up pretty healthy, so to say.

Towards evening, this same feel of yesterday started repeating, however with some stupid reason. I tried to settle the issue by working on it twice. Somehow, it occurred to me then that the issue can’t be settled so. It needn’t be. It will just involve itself more since the people involved in it aren’t looking at it from my angle. So just with that ignorance of mine, I began to recover. In fact, I recovered completely, if I know it better. The kind of sadness that took over me in the past 24 hours, in my past experience could take weeks to recover from. Somehow, time measured in those weeks has been measured in minutes then!

As a related issue, since I got onto this vacation of almost a month, I was thinking of planning several months of coming back to spiritual *feel*. After having spent nearly half a year away from it, that’s what I thought would be needed to get back to a glimpse of reality. However, day before yesterday, I slept off at a usual time and got knocked out of sleep in an hour or so! Surprisingly, not only was I wide awake, but I felt such a spiritual high that I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep more.

Here’s what I feel after all that… its all about energies. Offsetting negativity positively! If someone leaves a feeling of dislike, hate or whatever, its just going to worsen to react similarly. Just love the person more and more and the feeling improves suddenly in a matter of seconds. And it is not at all difficult. I lost my sleep over such stupid feelings thinking around in circles on how to treat the issue. The issue is treated as soon as its seen as a non-issue. Let the person who feels it to be an issue deal with it… I simply ignore it. I love the other person for all the reactions and I’m done there!


Rama, may your love for your closest devotee, Hanumanta,
At whose feet I lie prostrate,
Overflow from his heart and fall,
Onto my head, bathing me off my sins.
May I be drifted along that love's flow,
Until I drown completely,
Without even a trace of the smallest identity,
That arises often, tying me to this existence,
Confined to the limits of the body, mind and ego
Causing an endless struggle in this world,
That's bereft of your glimpse,
Through the day or night.
To you, may my breath always be offered;
Else, let it not be with me, this moment onwards!