Some people have a standard time of food, no. of meals to have and what to eat. Others eat on the go, unplanned, depending on the time available and around their schedule, but still with a look at the clock. But as I understand, there are very few who eat on need basis. Here when I say need basis, its based on two factors: hunger and bodily needs. Being trained of eating at specific times due to bringing up or work schedules or circumstantial, we can hardly think on our need of food intake.
I switched to the first factor of need some 5-6 years back or maybe more, some time when I hit my spiritual depths. With that, I used to eat when hungry and skip when not. So that meant no particular timing during waking hours, but my body made a timing on its own. My body found its own slot to express hunger not the way I was trained to eat. Breakfast was always an important meal for me. I don't remember having been any productive without a breakfast. I do know though that without a breakfast, I have not only had a bad work day, but also bad health through the day even with decent lunch fills. What I used to do though is that delay the breakfast some midway through to lunch, calling it brunch the way they all do. This helped me beat the breakfast and lunch crowd at the messy restaurants. Did I say that I hate crowds too? :) But this was a side effect. What I was doing, indeed, is feeding myself only when hungry.
I was also avoiding the dinner crowd by eating an early dinner between lunch and dinner, calling it linner like no one else I know of calls it. This helped me a lot to be on the run when needed, twist schedules of sleeping and waking around my spiritual reading. It also helped me stay active most part of the day and night, sleep less and in small sets of naps, instead of a long continuous stretch. Either way, the entire experience helped me understand how my body reacts and why it does. It led me to the 2nd factor of the need based eating, which meant eating what the body needs. I started thinking if I'm not burning much in physical activity, I need to eat less. That helped me on my sabbatical when I was hardly doing any physical or mental work. I was mostly in reading, silence or on my own, not even expending energy talking. During those times, I used to have regular breakfast and lunch but no dinner. I'd some great personalities forcing me food at dinner time and I used to politely refuse and when they didn't understand what "eating what you need" meant, I used to hurtfully refuse. It faded away in a while and I started feeling how good my sleep was. Whenever I had a dinner, I used stay awake most of the night without a wink of sleep.
The funny thing is that from that sabbatical I returned to a job that made 16-18 hrs of my workday. This meant some physical strain, but a lot of mental work. I had to switch to 4 or even 5 meals a day, all full sized. I have eaten breakfast, lunch, evening snack, dinner, and middle of the night 2nd dinner on returning home and heading for work next day. That was necessity feed and I managed to stay healthy albeit putting on some weight. I wouldn't have been able to survive the stress and deliver work without that. I also used to eat a lot during couple of treks I took. So its always good, I feel, to eat based on need than by the clock.
So I think its safe to say that my discipline, therefore, is to not have a normal discipline in food, but to switch based on circumstances. :)
Showing posts with label ramble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramble. Show all posts
The defence
I don't quite know what this blog is about taking off from the title. I've a lot of things on my mind on this topic and having not blogged for long, I don't know how this one's gonna read. I tweeted an hour back so: Watching Never Back Down and kinda love it. Am not a fan of violence, but a huge fan of defence. I can't even point out what in the movie triggers this blog, there's so much of a tangential disconnect! The tagline of the movie went Everyone has their fight. Now thats true, be it with the actual, real life, physical, fight or what the fight stands for. It may be chess, your beliefs or your life. A lot many people have called me defensive, even in matters that didn't need defence; thats who I am. There are only two ways to deal with an attack: to fight back in defence or just pass. Passing is not giving up, its not losing. Its a gentleman's way out. Some beliefs are so strong that you can't pass. Then you ought to fight till the death or till you think you have reached a stage to pass it; that is, if you're not in the wrong.
I don't follow the adage attack is the best form of defence. In chess, I've lost most games in attack because when I go all out, I lose the home ground defence. Thats one place where my multitasking skills have failed me. In life, I have my own set of beliefs. I defend them, regardless of who attacks them. I've gone against the most respected on these grounds. I've tried passing there, but its not always possible and nor is it always a good thing. A few months back, I was chatting with an old friend whom I caught up with after many years. He was surprised to know what I do or don't do now. Then I went a bit on a defensive, being me. He was very understanding, but he asked me why I was defending. I said because I felt too strongly about the path. To this, he had a mature thing to say: the path doesn't need a defence. He was right, but then not all understand that.
At times where I knew its a muck to get in, I don't defend. I pass. These times are tough for people in the game; they think of you as a team. I don't. I go solo. I don't like to depend on others for my defence. If I don't understand the subject to fight alone, then its not worth the defence. Any help is welcome and I would use it, not being thankless, but I wouldn't base my entire premise on expected team support. As for when I pass even when I feel strongly for the issue, its surely something where I'd be breaking my head on a wall otherwise; its quicksand. Here I remember a quote I read somewhere: never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it. Such debates are a strict no to me. A couple of years back, I backed out of a debate on a topic close to my heart, after which someone called me a coward. I applied the pig rule there and kept mum. Those are the times when I learn that patience is a virtue.
This brings me back full circle to the movie. As much as in physical encounters we forget to breathe and lose, in verbal confrontations too, we forget to breathe and lose. In the latter, the breath stands for thinking. The flow of prANa in breathing causes thoughts to be at the forefront. They help you build patience, grow wise by the breath. Breathing is very essential in the worldly as much as in the spiritual, both cases, slower the better. In the worldly we ought to focus on the thoughts that ride the breath, while in the spiritual we are to focus between breaths, the thoughtless state. In the end, we all have our focuses, we all have our fights. Some fight to make ends meet for the daily bread, others do it to make it to the top of the success ladder. Some defend their lives, others go out for an all out war to win the world. Some fight the outward projection calling it a battle of life & death, while some few defend within of whats left of their spiritual goal.
PS: I may have come off as a wuss here, but I'll pass the debate. :)
--
I don't follow the adage attack is the best form of defence. In chess, I've lost most games in attack because when I go all out, I lose the home ground defence. Thats one place where my multitasking skills have failed me. In life, I have my own set of beliefs. I defend them, regardless of who attacks them. I've gone against the most respected on these grounds. I've tried passing there, but its not always possible and nor is it always a good thing. A few months back, I was chatting with an old friend whom I caught up with after many years. He was surprised to know what I do or don't do now. Then I went a bit on a defensive, being me. He was very understanding, but he asked me why I was defending. I said because I felt too strongly about the path. To this, he had a mature thing to say: the path doesn't need a defence. He was right, but then not all understand that.
At times where I knew its a muck to get in, I don't defend. I pass. These times are tough for people in the game; they think of you as a team. I don't. I go solo. I don't like to depend on others for my defence. If I don't understand the subject to fight alone, then its not worth the defence. Any help is welcome and I would use it, not being thankless, but I wouldn't base my entire premise on expected team support. As for when I pass even when I feel strongly for the issue, its surely something where I'd be breaking my head on a wall otherwise; its quicksand. Here I remember a quote I read somewhere: never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it. Such debates are a strict no to me. A couple of years back, I backed out of a debate on a topic close to my heart, after which someone called me a coward. I applied the pig rule there and kept mum. Those are the times when I learn that patience is a virtue.
This brings me back full circle to the movie. As much as in physical encounters we forget to breathe and lose, in verbal confrontations too, we forget to breathe and lose. In the latter, the breath stands for thinking. The flow of prANa in breathing causes thoughts to be at the forefront. They help you build patience, grow wise by the breath. Breathing is very essential in the worldly as much as in the spiritual, both cases, slower the better. In the worldly we ought to focus on the thoughts that ride the breath, while in the spiritual we are to focus between breaths, the thoughtless state. In the end, we all have our focuses, we all have our fights. Some fight to make ends meet for the daily bread, others do it to make it to the top of the success ladder. Some defend their lives, others go out for an all out war to win the world. Some fight the outward projection calling it a battle of life & death, while some few defend within of whats left of their spiritual goal.
PS: I may have come off as a wuss here, but I'll pass the debate. :)
--
Job, business, nothing, anything!
I used to write a lot on spirituality. Since I moved back to Mumbai, there isn't much of an ambience here for spiritual studies. Till I get an opportunity to get back to my solitude I think I'm happily wasting my time. Okay, I know this hasn't anything to do with the title per se, but I'll get to that in a moment, influenced by my old habits to blabber. :)
Well then, if I'm anyway about to waste time, why not dig into other worldly things such as money. To make money, you either need a job or a business. I'm not actively looking for the former, knowing fully well that I've been on a sabbatical a little too long to get back to the industry in a jiffy in this economy.
I do have some business ideas that I've been discussing with my friends, but I'm more likely to graduate into asilent lazy partner that wakes up for ideas and in dire straits but not during other times. So, I'd be one that doesn't really work hands-on! :P And I don't think there'd be many takers there.
So what else do I have left now? I've covered job, business, nothing... did I cover nothing? Yes, I started with that. So all that is left is 'anything' in the anythingwise spirit. That will come up in my next post. ;)
Well then, if I'm anyway about to waste time, why not dig into other worldly things such as money. To make money, you either need a job or a business. I'm not actively looking for the former, knowing fully well that I've been on a sabbatical a little too long to get back to the industry in a jiffy in this economy.
I do have some business ideas that I've been discussing with my friends, but I'm more likely to graduate into a
So what else do I have left now? I've covered job, business, nothing... did I cover nothing? Yes, I started with that. So all that is left is 'anything' in the anythingwise spirit. That will come up in my next post. ;)
Talk the walk
Ever since I left Mumbai in 2000, I've been staying alone up until a few months back when I crawled my way back home to Mumbai. During those years, after work or weekends were all times of silence. I didn't talk, I didn't have anyone to talk to around me, which is how I preferred things to be. A side-effect of mum solitude was being very verbose while in company. This chalked out quite a digital living for me: either of deafening silence or a loud chatterbox. Of course, since no one saw my silent times, they saw me as a talkative nut. Not that I wasn't, I sure was, but I guess when you averaged out the talk over a week, I'd turn out to be normal, if not below it.
I've had my reasons to talk; more often than not, the main reason was humour. To laugh and to make laugh is perhaps in my blood. I've been tagged a cartoon by many due to this undying habit of mine. It so happens that I can't stay serious for long, it takes the fun out of life for me. Also, sitting along with a company of people at work or otherwise is painfully boring if they just stare at you or at empty spaces! Instead of torturing myself in such company, I'd make them utter something or the other or try and make them laugh. I remember interviewing a chap for a leadership position who just wouldn't laugh. He'd stick to his questions, answer them and sit back as if to wait for the next one. That seriousness would have killed my team spirit. My sole goal then became to make this chap smile, if not laugh, at least once during the interview! To my immense pleasure, I achieved this twice and told it to my senior in the interview report. He came back in the 2nd round and my senior made him smile once. I think I had a trickle effect there. :)
A year at Sagara last year was mostly of silence since I stayed alone, hardly spoke to neighbours if at all, and visited very few people. The only regular talk was with vegetable vendors or at a restaurant once in a while, unless I found satsanga. Since my return to Mumbai, my talk has increased a bit because I trouble my parents with pranks every now and then. But due to mostly being indoors, I still rarely talk much and hardly longer than needed. However, the past week or so has been different. I have talked so much on phone and with a visitor that I've an aching voice box now! My preferred mode of communication is again becoming email, chat, blog or facebook, more than phone or face-to-face.
So I realize this now: if I walk my talk, I'll have to travel the world's length, but if I talk the walk, I'll have nothing to say! I prefer the latter. ;)
PS: In other words, from a brAhmaNa bahUjana priya, I'm becoming brAhmaNa bhojana priya :)
I've had my reasons to talk; more often than not, the main reason was humour. To laugh and to make laugh is perhaps in my blood. I've been tagged a cartoon by many due to this undying habit of mine. It so happens that I can't stay serious for long, it takes the fun out of life for me. Also, sitting along with a company of people at work or otherwise is painfully boring if they just stare at you or at empty spaces! Instead of torturing myself in such company, I'd make them utter something or the other or try and make them laugh. I remember interviewing a chap for a leadership position who just wouldn't laugh. He'd stick to his questions, answer them and sit back as if to wait for the next one. That seriousness would have killed my team spirit. My sole goal then became to make this chap smile, if not laugh, at least once during the interview! To my immense pleasure, I achieved this twice and told it to my senior in the interview report. He came back in the 2nd round and my senior made him smile once. I think I had a trickle effect there. :)
A year at Sagara last year was mostly of silence since I stayed alone, hardly spoke to neighbours if at all, and visited very few people. The only regular talk was with vegetable vendors or at a restaurant once in a while, unless I found satsanga. Since my return to Mumbai, my talk has increased a bit because I trouble my parents with pranks every now and then. But due to mostly being indoors, I still rarely talk much and hardly longer than needed. However, the past week or so has been different. I have talked so much on phone and with a visitor that I've an aching voice box now! My preferred mode of communication is again becoming email, chat, blog or facebook, more than phone or face-to-face.
So I realize this now: if I walk my talk, I'll have to travel the world's length, but if I talk the walk, I'll have nothing to say! I prefer the latter. ;)
PS: In other words, from a brAhmaNa bahUjana priya, I'm becoming brAhmaNa bhojana priya :)
H1N1 and the like
Every few years, newspapers get lucky with some tragic news which has a national impact, if not international. Be it due to an earthquake, tsunami, act of terrorism or some new disease. Such things give news papers and channels something to fill their otherwise useless spaces and time slots with. It is also a time for idiots to spread rumours.
I remember some 12 odd years back, there was a big scare of plague due to rats. This time around its swine flu. The news ran about with usual guesstimates of people affected, deaths among them, undetected ones, the risk of spreading. One title ran two days back that read "33% Indians to be affected by swine flu in 2 years". Interesting, isn't it? What kind of a research is that? Are we saying we can't control it and hence it will reach that level? Or are we saying that we will control it to that level? Either way, its quite a stupid thing to say, especially when they themselves ran news such as "so many dead", "schools and theatres closed", "does blah blah have facilities to test for H1N1?", etc. They are practically hoping for some kind of a panic situation.
The other set of people benefited from these are companies that make medication or preventive medication/ consumables. Ah, the disposable mask! People don't seem to understand the meaning of disposable there. It means a mask that can be worn for 4 hrs only. Another thing not widely known about masks is that masks are more of a device to protect others from you, not the reverse way! Thats the reason surgeons wear it anyway, in order to not contaminate the insides of the patient! In any case, masks being useless for H1N1 is a fact that was announced at the very outset of this pandemic. Its also clear now that more than these masks helping, they pose a disposal issue and hence are a reason that the flu will multiply and spread instead! Still, these masks are selling in black. I've read reports of these stupid penny masks selling at Rs.400! Who's benefited?
Lets deviate a bit and look at seasonal flu as well. When it started off, it was considered scary too... almost this much. Then it went on and on and now, we have a pop-a-crocin kind of situation. And well, what does Crocin do? It helps you sleep a bit, reduces pain a bit, that way, and the flu passes off on its own, more or less. I haven't known a flu that has gone by without my being in bed for 3 days overall, with or without medication. Same goes for this swine flu, as I got to read yesterday. Its like a longer flu of 7-8 days and even with Tamiflu, its still going to last at 5-6 days. But such news is in no one's interest. Tamiflu or equivalents need to be made for cos. to make a huge sum off this. It almost reminds me everyday of the scene from V for Vendetta and the reason for an epidemic starting in the first place! Anyways...
I'm also disgusted the way totally unrelated companies are having a ball now! These sickos such as Reliance Communications are sending out messages and offers to be kept informed of Swine flu. Two such messages today have ruined it for me so much that I'm going to throw their so-called services away with their sim card soon. One of these offers read Rs.30 per month and the other Rs.3 per sms! To hell with Reliance.
As for number of deaths, its quite low in comparison to malaria, HIV and such. I'm also reminded now of when HIV/ AIDS became a threat so much that a lot of us used to carry a blade at the barbers! It was a precautionary measure and I'm thankful that the razor rates didn't go up due to it. Now all barbers know what safety means. Funnily enough, that safety thing may not be true about the main reason that HIV spreads! :)
To sum up in the end: lets stick to sanity, ignore the rumourmongers, not add to panic, have healthy food, increase immunity, grow and eat tulsi, grow neem if possible, use our clean hankies and scarves instead of masks, contain prices of necessities and... live on.
I remember some 12 odd years back, there was a big scare of plague due to rats. This time around its swine flu. The news ran about with usual guesstimates of people affected, deaths among them, undetected ones, the risk of spreading. One title ran two days back that read "33% Indians to be affected by swine flu in 2 years". Interesting, isn't it? What kind of a research is that? Are we saying we can't control it and hence it will reach that level? Or are we saying that we will control it to that level? Either way, its quite a stupid thing to say, especially when they themselves ran news such as "so many dead", "schools and theatres closed", "does blah blah have facilities to test for H1N1?", etc. They are practically hoping for some kind of a panic situation.
The other set of people benefited from these are companies that make medication or preventive medication/ consumables. Ah, the disposable mask! People don't seem to understand the meaning of disposable there. It means a mask that can be worn for 4 hrs only. Another thing not widely known about masks is that masks are more of a device to protect others from you, not the reverse way! Thats the reason surgeons wear it anyway, in order to not contaminate the insides of the patient! In any case, masks being useless for H1N1 is a fact that was announced at the very outset of this pandemic. Its also clear now that more than these masks helping, they pose a disposal issue and hence are a reason that the flu will multiply and spread instead! Still, these masks are selling in black. I've read reports of these stupid penny masks selling at Rs.400! Who's benefited?
Lets deviate a bit and look at seasonal flu as well. When it started off, it was considered scary too... almost this much. Then it went on and on and now, we have a pop-a-crocin kind of situation. And well, what does Crocin do? It helps you sleep a bit, reduces pain a bit, that way, and the flu passes off on its own, more or less. I haven't known a flu that has gone by without my being in bed for 3 days overall, with or without medication. Same goes for this swine flu, as I got to read yesterday. Its like a longer flu of 7-8 days and even with Tamiflu, its still going to last at 5-6 days. But such news is in no one's interest. Tamiflu or equivalents need to be made for cos. to make a huge sum off this. It almost reminds me everyday of the scene from V for Vendetta and the reason for an epidemic starting in the first place! Anyways...
I'm also disgusted the way totally unrelated companies are having a ball now! These sickos such as Reliance Communications are sending out messages and offers to be kept informed of Swine flu. Two such messages today have ruined it for me so much that I'm going to throw their so-called services away with their sim card soon. One of these offers read Rs.30 per month and the other Rs.3 per sms! To hell with Reliance.
As for number of deaths, its quite low in comparison to malaria, HIV and such. I'm also reminded now of when HIV/ AIDS became a threat so much that a lot of us used to carry a blade at the barbers! It was a precautionary measure and I'm thankful that the razor rates didn't go up due to it. Now all barbers know what safety means. Funnily enough, that safety thing may not be true about the main reason that HIV spreads! :)
To sum up in the end: lets stick to sanity, ignore the rumourmongers, not add to panic, have healthy food, increase immunity, grow and eat tulsi, grow neem if possible, use our clean hankies and scarves instead of masks, contain prices of necessities and... live on.
The story 3 years later...
On August 10th, three years earlier, I walked out of a five and three quarter years of affair with Tek. Its the longest I've had with any company and for that reason too, Tek will always remain a sweetheart to me! Of course, given my short memory, this date was overwritten by Aug 31st, another short relation I walked out of that I'd with Cnxt back in 2007. This relation was a kind of a live-in, because it provided me with a 16-18 hour workdays, many a time. :)
My internet was down since yesterday until a couple hours back and I received an sms this morning that gave me some suggestions on do's and don'ts today without any specific context; I get irritated and tortured when people go on talking without telling you the context! Even that faded away by a'noon, until now. So I thought of searching through mails and stuff for today's date, found an archived chat with a mention of this date, then searched my blog and bingo! To reconfirm, I also searched my emails for "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" which has been the subject line of my last day at work since Tek. :)
I left Tek for pursuing something thats close to heart, so much so that people wouldn't believe it if I told them that those were my childhood dreams! But what people do not understand that this path is a long one, its one that begins at a certain unknown moment till another certain unknown moment. At that first certain moment, whenever that is, all that you have planned, in the time that you've planned, the way you have planned, etc, all are meaningless. The time itself is meaningless then. Its just a journey of a pursuit for something that you think is hidden from you and you search for it in any way you can. Its not a path where you can measure success, because success is getting something you already have and you won't know till you know it. And till then, the world sees it as a failure. Beyond that too, the world still sees you as a failure because they don't know what you know! Still, its all very interesting. :)
Lets see in worldly eyes, what have I lost these 3 years: a brand, a job, a salary, a huge sum of monies, a chance to find another job in this recession, an opportunity to build/ buy a house in a "happening" city at 3 yr old rates, work experience, contacts, etc. I'd one chap, who's also on the path and connected with me on one of the networking sites, message me asking me to join back the industry where all the "experience" is. And mind you, he meant experience in the sense that teaches us to live by the force, meaning not work-experience but spiritual. I almost burst into laughter, but then fell physically ill with more exchange of messages with him! The reason I'd laughed it out earlier is because someone who doesn't know what I've gainedor lost the past three years, who himself has not been out on a sabbatical, had managed to spiritually advice me to come back from something he hasn't done! Thats got to be a joke, be it unintentional. :)
So what have I done in these three years? Let me recall some things: I went and learnt discipline at my 2 months at YVFA, Rishikesh. I made some satsanga friends there. I found some great guides and teachers I can go back to when I'm stuck with anything on the spiritual front. God has been kind. I found some invites to stay forever in some ashrams and have managed to stay clear of them due to my commitment to the middle path. I searched a lot for a peaceful place for my sAdhana and bought out a land with the blind trust that I put in people. I got some people to follow up on it and get titles on my name, in vain. I planned to build on those 5 acres of land back then. I'd done away with all my money in that village land and went into dire straits not getting land, losing money and not having a place to stay. In that moment, I got a job as grace, went out to grab it, hang in there for 3m and 20d, till my village land went into legal hassles. I went back to that village, rented a place for a year, fought the legal battle and won back the land. Meanwhile, I read some books, saw tons of movies, fought lure successfully at times, failing at others, built tremendous patience, and did whatever possible sAdhana I could in the mess I was in. I sold away the land back to the person who put a case against me anyways, not wanting to break his ancestral property, losing a lot of money, time and opportunity cost! I sold some investments to survive, bought an old car to drive around in the hills a bit before I gave up villages and returned back to Mumbai. Now I'm sitting here, catching up with lost contacts, waiting for time to put up a favourable moment to take my next step, whatever that is. :)
Lets see in my eyes, what I've gained or lost now, shall we? I learned a lot of things about how people see you when you're off work. This was something unimaginable to me, not that I care, but a learning experience nonetheless. I learnt patience... an immense value quality on the path. I learnt that walking the path is an experience of bliss that you get not by talking it alone; you can't swim in theory! I know what to do to succeed and what not to do to become lethargic or worldly again. I know how to get back into the world when needed and come out of it without getting involved. I know how risky it is to go out there and try to settle alone when the world preys on you! True story! :) I learnt that the middle path is more difficult since the worldly hurdles are so much more that spirituality crawls in it. I know what I have to do next in order to get to my sole goal and I've learnt to ignore everything that I need to do to get there or waste doing but still return to get there. I also learnt an important lesson of how to do things first and talk about it later, if need be, than the other way round and lose it totally! :D I learnt to live in the moment... losing track of time... as you can see from the length of this blog too! ;)
My internet was down since yesterday until a couple hours back and I received an sms this morning that gave me some suggestions on do's and don'ts today without any specific context; I get irritated and tortured when people go on talking without telling you the context! Even that faded away by a'noon, until now. So I thought of searching through mails and stuff for today's date, found an archived chat with a mention of this date, then searched my blog and bingo! To reconfirm, I also searched my emails for "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" which has been the subject line of my last day at work since Tek. :)
I left Tek for pursuing something thats close to heart, so much so that people wouldn't believe it if I told them that those were my childhood dreams! But what people do not understand that this path is a long one, its one that begins at a certain unknown moment till another certain unknown moment. At that first certain moment, whenever that is, all that you have planned, in the time that you've planned, the way you have planned, etc, all are meaningless. The time itself is meaningless then. Its just a journey of a pursuit for something that you think is hidden from you and you search for it in any way you can. Its not a path where you can measure success, because success is getting something you already have and you won't know till you know it. And till then, the world sees it as a failure. Beyond that too, the world still sees you as a failure because they don't know what you know! Still, its all very interesting. :)
Lets see in worldly eyes, what have I lost these 3 years: a brand, a job, a salary, a huge sum of monies, a chance to find another job in this recession, an opportunity to build/ buy a house in a "happening" city at 3 yr old rates, work experience, contacts, etc. I'd one chap, who's also on the path and connected with me on one of the networking sites, message me asking me to join back the industry where all the "experience" is. And mind you, he meant experience in the sense that teaches us to live by the force, meaning not work-experience but spiritual. I almost burst into laughter, but then fell physically ill with more exchange of messages with him! The reason I'd laughed it out earlier is because someone who doesn't know what I've gained
So what have I done in these three years? Let me recall some things: I went and learnt discipline at my 2 months at YVFA, Rishikesh. I made some satsanga friends there. I found some great guides and teachers I can go back to when I'm stuck with anything on the spiritual front. God has been kind. I found some invites to stay forever in some ashrams and have managed to stay clear of them due to my commitment to the middle path. I searched a lot for a peaceful place for my sAdhana and bought out a land with the blind trust that I put in people. I got some people to follow up on it and get titles on my name, in vain. I planned to build on those 5 acres of land back then. I'd done away with all my money in that village land and went into dire straits not getting land, losing money and not having a place to stay. In that moment, I got a job as grace, went out to grab it, hang in there for 3m and 20d, till my village land went into legal hassles. I went back to that village, rented a place for a year, fought the legal battle and won back the land. Meanwhile, I read some books, saw tons of movies, fought lure successfully at times, failing at others, built tremendous patience, and did whatever possible sAdhana I could in the mess I was in. I sold away the land back to the person who put a case against me anyways, not wanting to break his ancestral property, losing a lot of money, time and opportunity cost! I sold some investments to survive, bought an old car to drive around in the hills a bit before I gave up villages and returned back to Mumbai. Now I'm sitting here, catching up with lost contacts, waiting for time to put up a favourable moment to take my next step, whatever that is. :)
Lets see in my eyes, what I've gained or lost now, shall we? I learned a lot of things about how people see you when you're off work. This was something unimaginable to me, not that I care, but a learning experience nonetheless. I learnt patience... an immense value quality on the path. I learnt that walking the path is an experience of bliss that you get not by talking it alone; you can't swim in theory! I know what to do to succeed and what not to do to become lethargic or worldly again. I know how to get back into the world when needed and come out of it without getting involved. I know how risky it is to go out there and try to settle alone when the world preys on you! True story! :) I learnt that the middle path is more difficult since the worldly hurdles are so much more that spirituality crawls in it. I know what I have to do next in order to get to my sole goal and I've learnt to ignore everything that I need to do to get there or waste doing but still return to get there. I also learnt an important lesson of how to do things first and talk about it later, if need be, than the other way round and lose it totally! :D I learnt to live in the moment... losing track of time... as you can see from the length of this blog too! ;)
To live or to lead?
Some years ago, a wise gentleman told me thus: "Many people think that living a life is sufficient, but its really leading a life" or something to that effect. It made sense alright, but I was so blunt that I didn't think that that rule applied to me. I had come down from neck-deep of spiritual following to only knee-deep. Still, I'd hopes. And hopes are what have brought me this far through nowhere land!
Success is a difficult thing in spirituality, more than it is in the world out there. People, unfortunately, have a common worldly yardstick to measure even your success on the spiritual side, not knowing that the units are totally different and cannot be even converted by your regular math! Now then, how are we to prove our spiritual worth to the world that stands as a witness, whether or not you want it there at your doorstep? We needn't! The day we feel the need for others to tell us about how well we are doing on the path, thats the day we can throw our beliefs aside and pump up the ego, slip down, fall and rethink our priorities.
Coming back to the original question then, I agree up to an extent. We do lead our lives, and that comes naturally to us since birth, the way we are taught. However, that is the precise reason we are in this karmic debt of needs and wants. We are repaying for our wanting to lead not only our life but others' lives as well. Plain vanilla living, first letting go of our wants and then slowly moving toward letting go of what we consider as needs too, is easier said than done. Its a moment of truth when we give into the belief that I'm alive not due to my leading the life, but despite it; some higher force-- that prANa-- takes care of me, without my involvement, whatsoever. All my involvement just increases this span of surviving across lives, dragging me further away from the truth than I stand today.
So, instead of leading my own life into eternal set of lives, I'd rather go with the flow and say so: The same force that made me give up my job might make me take up another, and that is okay... I'll be ready when I'm ready.
om tat sat
Success is a difficult thing in spirituality, more than it is in the world out there. People, unfortunately, have a common worldly yardstick to measure even your success on the spiritual side, not knowing that the units are totally different and cannot be even converted by your regular math! Now then, how are we to prove our spiritual worth to the world that stands as a witness, whether or not you want it there at your doorstep? We needn't! The day we feel the need for others to tell us about how well we are doing on the path, thats the day we can throw our beliefs aside and pump up the ego, slip down, fall and rethink our priorities.
Coming back to the original question then, I agree up to an extent. We do lead our lives, and that comes naturally to us since birth, the way we are taught. However, that is the precise reason we are in this karmic debt of needs and wants. We are repaying for our wanting to lead not only our life but others' lives as well. Plain vanilla living, first letting go of our wants and then slowly moving toward letting go of what we consider as needs too, is easier said than done. Its a moment of truth when we give into the belief that I'm alive not due to my leading the life, but despite it; some higher force-- that prANa-- takes care of me, without my involvement, whatsoever. All my involvement just increases this span of surviving across lives, dragging me further away from the truth than I stand today.
So, instead of leading my own life into eternal set of lives, I'd rather go with the flow and say so: The same force that made me give up my job might make me take up another, and that is okay... I'll be ready when I'm ready.
om tat sat
Hats off to BSNL jokers!
I returned home after a gap of almost a month, which means my internet was untested all this while. I've voiced earlier of the painfully incompetent services of BSNL broadband and thirdrate Chinese modems of theirs.
This time around, I was not getting many ADSL failures like earlier, but DNS failures. I'd set the DNS to opendns and tried. Then DDNS. Then static DNS IPs. And of course, auto discovered ones too. Well, I tried everything that there was to try with DNS, including putting my own DNS cache on the laptop. I still get DNS failures. Forget technicality, lets get to discussing the unique BSNL support...
Three days back, I called my local BSNL JTO who, on complaining, went on so:
JTO: Do you use Windows Vista?
me: No Sir, I use Ubuntu Linux now.
JTO: Saheb, we know nothing about Linux.
me: (pissed off) Why does that matter? I can log onto your modem and test it and see failures. ADSL passes, ATM OAM segments pass. DNS fails.
JTO: DNS will pass only if you can connect and login. So it can't be DNS problem.
me: Thats what I'm saying; everything passes, DNS doesn't. This thing's happening since the past 3 months and the BSNL DNS servers are almost always down.
JTO: Oh, I'll give you a no. call there, we can't do anything about DNS issues.
I take the no. and try endlessly to get through and finally I do after half or one hour. They listen to everything and I hear in the background someone saying "Ask him to complain in writing". The fella says that his Saheb will call back! Of course, no one does. Their own phones are out of order when I try again!
I'm back to my local JTO now some time back and this is how that went:
me: Saheb, namaskar. I called up three days back regarding a DNS problem and your people said they'd call back. They didn't.
JTO: I gave you that no. because we can't do anything abt DNS stuff. If its username issue, ADSL not "glowing", we can look into.
me: Sir, I think its the issue with the modem now. I've tried everything and now I do suspect the modem.
JTO: It can't be the modem. It just communicates. Thats all.
me: (huh!) The modem may have some cache/ memory issues and overflow errors because it conks off every 15 mins and works on reset again and DNS workaround settings for another 15 mins.
The JTO gets into warranty talk and all that. Then this happens:
JTO: Do you have a laptop?
me: Yes.
JTO: I don't have a computer here. If you're free, get your laptop here. You don't need to bring the modem, I've plenty. What I'll do is hook you up to your line here, you can login and test here. You'll know if its a modem problem. I'm here in office today.
me: (what the heck!) Yes, yes, I'll call up and come over. Thanks a bunch, Sir.
JTO: Thank you, saheb.
I'm banging my head now. I got an unpaid job offer from BSNL to check and troubleshoot my BSNL broadband for which I pay and they get salaries! BSNL has awesome and one-of-a-kind support, won't you agree? BSNL zindabad. Since then, I've tried calling and surfing for an option to BSNL broadband and of course, failed, thanks to godforsaken place called Vasai. :)
This time around, I was not getting many ADSL failures like earlier, but DNS failures. I'd set the DNS to opendns and tried. Then DDNS. Then static DNS IPs. And of course, auto discovered ones too. Well, I tried everything that there was to try with DNS, including putting my own DNS cache on the laptop. I still get DNS failures. Forget technicality, lets get to discussing the unique BSNL support...
Three days back, I called my local BSNL JTO who, on complaining, went on so:
JTO: Do you use Windows Vista?
me: No Sir, I use Ubuntu Linux now.
JTO: Saheb, we know nothing about Linux.
me: (pissed off) Why does that matter? I can log onto your modem and test it and see failures. ADSL passes, ATM OAM segments pass. DNS fails.
JTO: DNS will pass only if you can connect and login. So it can't be DNS problem.
me: Thats what I'm saying; everything passes, DNS doesn't. This thing's happening since the past 3 months and the BSNL DNS servers are almost always down.
JTO: Oh, I'll give you a no. call there, we can't do anything about DNS issues.
I take the no. and try endlessly to get through and finally I do after half or one hour. They listen to everything and I hear in the background someone saying "Ask him to complain in writing". The fella says that his Saheb will call back! Of course, no one does. Their own phones are out of order when I try again!
I'm back to my local JTO now some time back and this is how that went:
me: Saheb, namaskar. I called up three days back regarding a DNS problem and your people said they'd call back. They didn't.
JTO: I gave you that no. because we can't do anything abt DNS stuff. If its username issue, ADSL not "glowing", we can look into.
me: Sir, I think its the issue with the modem now. I've tried everything and now I do suspect the modem.
JTO: It can't be the modem. It just communicates. Thats all.
me: (huh!) The modem may have some cache/ memory issues and overflow errors because it conks off every 15 mins and works on reset again and DNS workaround settings for another 15 mins.
The JTO gets into warranty talk and all that. Then this happens:
JTO: Do you have a laptop?
me: Yes.
JTO: I don't have a computer here. If you're free, get your laptop here. You don't need to bring the modem, I've plenty. What I'll do is hook you up to your line here, you can login and test here. You'll know if its a modem problem. I'm here in office today.
me: (what the heck!) Yes, yes, I'll call up and come over. Thanks a bunch, Sir.
JTO: Thank you, saheb.
I'm banging my head now. I got an unpaid job offer from BSNL to check and troubleshoot my BSNL broadband for which I pay and they get salaries! BSNL has awesome and one-of-a-kind support, won't you agree? BSNL zindabad. Since then, I've tried calling and surfing for an option to BSNL broadband and of course, failed, thanks to godforsaken place called Vasai. :)
So whats in a name?
Apart from children teasing you or even when you're grown up, friends making fun of you, numerologists taking shots at whats wrong with your name, there are other things to it too. While I can't remember people's names and "whats in a name?" is a good phrase for me to throw around when I err, I'm sure there are many who remember names by effort and take decisions based on the ones they associate with even before meeting up. In a traditional system of earlier generations, what name to keep for a child was a matter of great research. For some, its so even today.
In many orthodox families, the first born male in a family gets his grandfather's name, or at least something closer. Although my parents followed that, as popular names, they chose another as well. So my elder brother got his name as Prashant, apart from Krishna inherited from our grandfather. I got my maternal grandfather's name Padmanabha, which was never used and was called as Praveen instead. My father had a story behind this naming concept, but not one that interests me much, except to tell it around, since I care less for values formed on emotions when they contradict the tradition; all the more so in recent years. Be as it may...
... today, all of this struck me when Raghav said that his niece was named as Mythri. My parents broke the tradition of running names such as Ramakrishna, Krishna, Ramchandra, by naming my brother and me differently. Most of the Hindus name their kids with Godly names by choice; even if they don't, in one way or the other it turns out to be a Godly name, with so many names for God. But we are those rare cases I suppose. :)
I personally feel that the name leaves an impact on the person both within and without. While my brother may have had *silent nature* earlier and may need to hold on to it and even prove it, I have to pick up *expertise* in all that I do, else give it up totally, in order not to do it badly! Funnily enough, if I look back, thats how my life has progressed these 33 years, unknowingly! Finally, for the same reason, I may end up dying with a huge bloated ego! :)
krishNArpaNamastu, padmanAbhArpaNamastu :D
In many orthodox families, the first born male in a family gets his grandfather's name, or at least something closer. Although my parents followed that, as popular names, they chose another as well. So my elder brother got his name as Prashant, apart from Krishna inherited from our grandfather. I got my maternal grandfather's name Padmanabha, which was never used and was called as Praveen instead. My father had a story behind this naming concept, but not one that interests me much, except to tell it around, since I care less for values formed on emotions when they contradict the tradition; all the more so in recent years. Be as it may...
... today, all of this struck me when Raghav said that his niece was named as Mythri. My parents broke the tradition of running names such as Ramakrishna, Krishna, Ramchandra, by naming my brother and me differently. Most of the Hindus name their kids with Godly names by choice; even if they don't, in one way or the other it turns out to be a Godly name, with so many names for God. But we are those rare cases I suppose. :)
I personally feel that the name leaves an impact on the person both within and without. While my brother may have had *silent nature* earlier and may need to hold on to it and even prove it, I have to pick up *expertise* in all that I do, else give it up totally, in order not to do it badly! Funnily enough, if I look back, thats how my life has progressed these 33 years, unknowingly! Finally, for the same reason, I may end up dying with a huge bloated ego! :)
krishNArpaNamastu, padmanAbhArpaNamastu :D
Yoga, yogasana, YVFA...
The other day while chatting with a good friend, Rajiv, I recollected my own experiments with yoga and yogasana and how endlessly I've been postponing writing up on Patanjali Yoga Sutra (PYS). Over the past many years, not only has yoga become a style statement, but has grown into a billion dollar industry and beyond in the US alone; an obvious follow-on action is patenting anything that is yoga or yoga-related. We've seen enough of that nonsense and I'll avoid it. Also yogasana has been confused for yoga by more than 90% of the people who told me they are doing yoga and I've corrected them in all my bluntness! However, to clarify, Rajiv isn't one of them; I don't want him to throw his kungfu kicks at me... well, thats another thing he has been practising. :)
My experiments with yoga began in theory with studying many versions of PYS commentaries, before I joined YVFA at Rishikesh; I have some more versions to study. Around those years, I also experimented some with Kundalini yoga, AOL's yoga in practise but stuck with Sivananda's yogasanas and pranayamas from Practice of Brahmacharya. While at YVFA, I'd an interesting experience. When I hit YVFA, I argued with one Swamiji a lot about Yoga being rejected by Shankaracharya and so it not interesting me any more. Of course, I was neck deep in Vedanta then and my pure love for Vedanta was doing all the talking, heedless to the result of it! Obviously since the course was about Yoga and Vedanta, I got blasted. I was put questions and told that I do not know. Well, I smiled. The reason I smiled is not an egoistic thing, but I knew well enough to say that Shankaracharya rejected it, I knew where he did that and I knew why he did that. I argued some more and Swamiji did say in the end that the Bhagavatpada did reject it for the reason I was arguing about: what the end of PYS is! However, he said that I'll have to be attentive in class and over the next two months, I'll learn PYS, something I didn't know anything about, as concluded. My expressing having studied lot of commentaries didn't help anyway.
Back to the classes, since I was in the front row, I got a lot of love from Swamiji, each time with a smiling question thrown at me "Did you know this?" I smiled back and people wondered what was going on. I only knew well that there was no point arguing and I told my friends so... somehow, I felt that in the end its all going to be well, he will end up saying things about PYS that I said too.
Later during the daily asana-pranayama and karmayoga classes, I got so stressed out with my limited health back then, that I just couldn't take any more of active involvement in anything other than Vedanta, the very reason I'd parted ways with worklife! I announced this to the authorities, midway through the course, expressing my unwillingness to continue asana-pranayama and karmayoga classes with a partial commitment, while my love for Vedanta remained unmet and leaving me no time to study on my own. I said ta ta and readied my bags to leave, taking the onus for joining the course and wasting a seat thereby. Fortunately, they all liked my honesty and genuinely trying the asanas and karmayoga to the best of my abilities. Instead, they offered me exemptions in those subjects and gave me an option for each. Since my haemorhoids and lower back pain had set in totally, they wanted me to take long walks in the hills (just what I needed and craved for, regardless of the health); as for karmayoga, I myself took all the data entry work. Thankfully, all that worked out well, due to the immense love of Sivanandaji Maharaj's presence felt at the ashram and all those who follow his principles.
What came as a lesson to me when the course ended is from the marks. In trying to make a point about PYS, ego may have taken over without my knowledge, in some other disturbance over the course days in various forms. I wasn't doing much sadhana there either, health had taken a toll due to changing weather, irregular sleeping from mingling much with batch mates apart from the course focus and many heavy festival food servings. Then there were some deep satsanga arguments with other students, just trying to understand things better. Of course, I wasn't intending to top the exam or anything, so I didn't study at all. We actually spent lot of time roaming locally, meeting people, friends and their friends, etc too. Back to the exams, I did quite well overall, but what was shocking was the marks in Upanishads and PYS.
Just before the exam results, my roommate Datta and I had returned from Haridwar. We'd gone there to have a look at the Anandamayi Ma's ashram, after feeling a call from her. For some reason, walking by a bookstall at Rishikesh earlier, I suddenly turned around, looked at a photo of hers on a book, went in to look into the book and felt blissful! Strangely, at her ashram, the same thing happened; I was buying her books and photos, when suddenly, I looked at my left, my hand stretched itself out without knowing what book it was pulling off the shelf (no exaggeration here) and putting it on the counter in disbelief for billing! This book was one that I'd searched for years, even going over to MLBD at Delhi once and asking them to republish it, but all in vain... the book was Shankaracharya's TikA on Vyasa's commentary on Yoga Sutra!!!
As I recall, the marklists were being placed on the notice board when we returned to Rishikesh from Haridwar. The Swamiji I'd argued PYS with arrived late in the evening when marklists were already out and I was standing just next to the notice board when he came in. He looked at me and asked who had topped his subject, I kept mum, smiling. With his short memory, he tried recalling who Bhat is... "well", I said, "its is me, Swamiji". He went on "so, you're not a bad boy, after all" and then laughed and said "I'm just joking... you're a good boy". I just thanked him and it comforted my ego that he too thought that I knew PYS.
In the later many hours, I kept thinking "there's just no excuse to get less marks in Upanishads in comparison to PYS", the ego still speaking. Then it all came back to me, what had happened; I'd topped PYS and there was a reason for all this: to shatter my ego, understand what PYS is in practice, why the Bhagavatpada rejected it, and what is its place in traditional advaita vedanta following! I said this very thing (other than some things negative about karmayoga) when I was asked to speak of my experiences at YVFA among a couple more students at the valedictory function.
As a goodbye to YVFA, I met my Upanishads teacher and told him how I was upset having got less marks in Upanishads. While the beloved Swamiji thought the marks were good, I said they weren't, only because I got more marks in PYS! I'd taken Datta along and we all had a good laugh. :)
Hari Om tat sat! Jai Sivananda!
My experiments with yoga began in theory with studying many versions of PYS commentaries, before I joined YVFA at Rishikesh; I have some more versions to study. Around those years, I also experimented some with Kundalini yoga, AOL's yoga in practise but stuck with Sivananda's yogasanas and pranayamas from Practice of Brahmacharya. While at YVFA, I'd an interesting experience. When I hit YVFA, I argued with one Swamiji a lot about Yoga being rejected by Shankaracharya and so it not interesting me any more. Of course, I was neck deep in Vedanta then and my pure love for Vedanta was doing all the talking, heedless to the result of it! Obviously since the course was about Yoga and Vedanta, I got blasted. I was put questions and told that I do not know. Well, I smiled. The reason I smiled is not an egoistic thing, but I knew well enough to say that Shankaracharya rejected it, I knew where he did that and I knew why he did that. I argued some more and Swamiji did say in the end that the Bhagavatpada did reject it for the reason I was arguing about: what the end of PYS is! However, he said that I'll have to be attentive in class and over the next two months, I'll learn PYS, something I didn't know anything about, as concluded. My expressing having studied lot of commentaries didn't help anyway.
Back to the classes, since I was in the front row, I got a lot of love from Swamiji, each time with a smiling question thrown at me "Did you know this?" I smiled back and people wondered what was going on. I only knew well that there was no point arguing and I told my friends so... somehow, I felt that in the end its all going to be well, he will end up saying things about PYS that I said too.
Later during the daily asana-pranayama and karmayoga classes, I got so stressed out with my limited health back then, that I just couldn't take any more of active involvement in anything other than Vedanta, the very reason I'd parted ways with worklife! I announced this to the authorities, midway through the course, expressing my unwillingness to continue asana-pranayama and karmayoga classes with a partial commitment, while my love for Vedanta remained unmet and leaving me no time to study on my own. I said ta ta and readied my bags to leave, taking the onus for joining the course and wasting a seat thereby. Fortunately, they all liked my honesty and genuinely trying the asanas and karmayoga to the best of my abilities. Instead, they offered me exemptions in those subjects and gave me an option for each. Since my haemorhoids and lower back pain had set in totally, they wanted me to take long walks in the hills (just what I needed and craved for, regardless of the health); as for karmayoga, I myself took all the data entry work. Thankfully, all that worked out well, due to the immense love of Sivanandaji Maharaj's presence felt at the ashram and all those who follow his principles.
What came as a lesson to me when the course ended is from the marks. In trying to make a point about PYS, ego may have taken over without my knowledge, in some other disturbance over the course days in various forms. I wasn't doing much sadhana there either, health had taken a toll due to changing weather, irregular sleeping from mingling much with batch mates apart from the course focus and many heavy festival food servings. Then there were some deep satsanga arguments with other students, just trying to understand things better. Of course, I wasn't intending to top the exam or anything, so I didn't study at all. We actually spent lot of time roaming locally, meeting people, friends and their friends, etc too. Back to the exams, I did quite well overall, but what was shocking was the marks in Upanishads and PYS.
Just before the exam results, my roommate Datta and I had returned from Haridwar. We'd gone there to have a look at the Anandamayi Ma's ashram, after feeling a call from her. For some reason, walking by a bookstall at Rishikesh earlier, I suddenly turned around, looked at a photo of hers on a book, went in to look into the book and felt blissful! Strangely, at her ashram, the same thing happened; I was buying her books and photos, when suddenly, I looked at my left, my hand stretched itself out without knowing what book it was pulling off the shelf (no exaggeration here) and putting it on the counter in disbelief for billing! This book was one that I'd searched for years, even going over to MLBD at Delhi once and asking them to republish it, but all in vain... the book was Shankaracharya's TikA on Vyasa's commentary on Yoga Sutra!!!
As I recall, the marklists were being placed on the notice board when we returned to Rishikesh from Haridwar. The Swamiji I'd argued PYS with arrived late in the evening when marklists were already out and I was standing just next to the notice board when he came in. He looked at me and asked who had topped his subject, I kept mum, smiling. With his short memory, he tried recalling who Bhat is... "well", I said, "its is me, Swamiji". He went on "so, you're not a bad boy, after all" and then laughed and said "I'm just joking... you're a good boy". I just thanked him and it comforted my ego that he too thought that I knew PYS.
In the later many hours, I kept thinking "there's just no excuse to get less marks in Upanishads in comparison to PYS", the ego still speaking. Then it all came back to me, what had happened; I'd topped PYS and there was a reason for all this: to shatter my ego, understand what PYS is in practice, why the Bhagavatpada rejected it, and what is its place in traditional advaita vedanta following! I said this very thing (other than some things negative about karmayoga) when I was asked to speak of my experiences at YVFA among a couple more students at the valedictory function.
As a goodbye to YVFA, I met my Upanishads teacher and told him how I was upset having got less marks in Upanishads. While the beloved Swamiji thought the marks were good, I said they weren't, only because I got more marks in PYS! I'd taken Datta along and we all had a good laugh. :)
Hari Om tat sat! Jai Sivananda!
Musical touch
My life keeps getting a musical touch every once in a while and I'm not talking songs. I had a childhood dream of learning tabla, violin... the works! Of course, I learned nothing of that. I went through a month of guitar, having bought one some ten years back. Some friends learned on it more than I did. Its catching dust lying in the village, still looking new.
I still keep thinking of learning guitar and tabla. A few months back, however, a new instrument took over me: the bansuri. It seemed to be a supremely soothing getaway from the blues. I did some run around with a friend who wanted to fetch a flute and we had a kid in the neighborhood who played pretty good. We even went to a local concert... hmm, now to think of it, I went to a Diwali concert of Pt. Hariprasad Chaurasia too some years back nearby there! The local concert was short, but it was almost as good as Panditji. Anyway, I'm bring this note into the blog, only to say that I might embed some music, video and more of such into this going-everywhere-yet-nowhere blog of mine! :)
I still keep thinking of learning guitar and tabla. A few months back, however, a new instrument took over me: the bansuri. It seemed to be a supremely soothing getaway from the blues. I did some run around with a friend who wanted to fetch a flute and we had a kid in the neighborhood who played pretty good. We even went to a local concert... hmm, now to think of it, I went to a Diwali concert of Pt. Hariprasad Chaurasia too some years back nearby there! The local concert was short, but it was almost as good as Panditji. Anyway, I'm bring this note into the blog, only to say that I might embed some music, video and more of such into this going-everywhere-yet-nowhere blog of mine! :)
ISP nonsense
My internet blues are never ending, be it whoever the service provider. I've tried Airtel's GPRS dialups with speeds upto 40kbps through my cellphone hitting technical snags and billing issues. A weekly plan would work only 3 or 4 days, a daily plan would work at one time and not work half a day, if at all, at other times. Sometimes the daily plan would stop working at 1000 hrs the next day, and at other times anywhere between 0700-0800 hrs. But all or one of these would happen only on your activating internet for a day with an SMS message. On roaming, such a free SMS cost me Rs.18 a couple of times, which is almost same as the daily internet charge. Later, the daily plan would work for maybe more than a day at times. However, without any notice, one fine day they had changed their system to internet being active without activation! My internet usage cost me at disconnection of whatever the prepaid balance was! Or the other way round, it disconnected when they cleared my prepaid balance on a per 10KB download billing. Utter nonsense! I gave up and lost the battle.
Meanwhile, I'd moved on to Reliance USB modem with speeds upto 144kbps that cost Rs.2800 or so. That was prepaid too, but they sold me a mega-expensive unlimited plan that didn't work the first month at all. I'd lost my 1500 bucks, because they said "it should have worked, all is well at our end". When it worked the next month, with no changes on my side, it gave me speeds of 20kbps that moved to upto 80-90kbps after complaints. All the while, they had several billing issues, billing me per hour of usage, after charging Rs.1500 for unlimited usage in advance! Their technical, billing and management personnel all had varying answers such as "we do not have an unlimited plan for prepaid" after having sold it with printed pamphlets at Reliance Web World, "we have unlimited prepaid plan but its new; not everyone knows", "you're billed for data download" (on an unlimited plan, yes!), "we'll look into it", "call back in 96 hours", "there were billing problems, but we have resolved it, recharge again and check", "we can't give you refund, there's no policy like that", etc. I was spending additional money for calling them from my cell phone... over many many complaints spread over 2 months, they refunded all that I lost in duplicate deductions (except the first month's Rs.1500!!!), but deducted it all the next day. Another complaint, another 96 hrs, another response, another escalation, more calls from cell, more money lost. Again many complaints later, I told them I'll go to consumer court. They refunded the amount, accepting everything verbally a day before the month end, deducted all of it again 2 days later. Why again? Simple.. they said my refund was valid for that month only. Yes, for 2 days, the amount was valid to be used for data downloads, but that data download was already paid for that month with Rs.1500 unlimited package. So its money, available for 2days, that you can't use. I lost the battle there too, because they moved to a great policy of responding to each email and phone complaint with "billed for data charges" and never replied to what the unlimited Rs. 1500 that reduced to Rs. 999 later was for. Their definition of unlimited data downloads was a non-english set of terms that meant bill-per-hour-anyway. I couldn't win with stupidity... I gave up.
I shifted geography where we have BSNL, who are very simple, straightforward people. They give you what you ask for... well, when they want. We got our Dataone BSNL DSL connection at Vasai after around 1.5 yrs after applying for it. DoT (Dept of Telecom) had called it the year of broadband in India... I do not know what their definition of India was or definition of year was. Perhaps, they meant they would take at least a year in giving broadband to anyone in India! Well, that was before I moved here. After moving, I upgraded the account to unlimited usage, something that BSNL knows and understands better than Reliance. Well, I thought so! They moved my account from 250 bucks pm to 750 pm, added 750 for additional deposit and billed me whatever telephone calls and taxes cost last month. All settled neatly now. Again, I thought so! For some reason, the line's gone noisy and due to that its irritating to make and receive calls; the internet disconnects every five minutes for anywhere between 30 secs to 3 mins! Complaints haven't helped since 4 weeks, because they call me up asking "has the phone started working?" even if I clarify each time that the phone's working, but i) there's static on the line and ii) DSL fails every 5mins! "Okay", they say "we'll look into it". Then we're back to square one. To top that, this month, they billed me 750 for "unlimited internet usage" plus 16k (yes, Rs.16000!) for "internet usage". Interesting, very interesting. I'm sure they have an explanation for this. They all do. Its just that I will never understand. I can never win, but this time, I've some other perspective. I'll get to this soon, but before that lets take a detour to movies... yes, Office Space... I'll tie it in, believe me. Here's the dialog exchange between leads:
PETER: I, uh, I don't like my job. I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
JOANNA: You're just not gonna go?
PETER: Yeah.
JOANNA: Won't you get fired?
PETER: I don't know. But I really don't like it so I'm not gonna go.
JOANNA: (LAUGHS) So you're gonna quit?
PETER: No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
Do you see how this ties up now? Where Office Space helps is Reliance and BSNL have one difference in their billing me nonsense: Reliance was prepaid, they had my money; BSNL is postpaid, they want my money. Here's my Office Space knowledge applied to BSNL:
me: I, uh, I don't like my ISP. I don't think I'm gonna pay anymore.
them: You're just not gonna pay?
me: Yeah.
them: Won't BSNL disconnect?
me: I don't know. But I really don't like this huge overbilling nonsense so I'm not gonna pay.
them: (LAUGH) So you're gonna disconnect?
me: No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop paying.
Here I recall Seinfeld (The Chinese Restaurant):
Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?"
Meanwhile, I'd moved on to Reliance USB modem with speeds upto 144kbps that cost Rs.2800 or so. That was prepaid too, but they sold me a mega-expensive unlimited plan that didn't work the first month at all. I'd lost my 1500 bucks, because they said "it should have worked, all is well at our end". When it worked the next month, with no changes on my side, it gave me speeds of 20kbps that moved to upto 80-90kbps after complaints. All the while, they had several billing issues, billing me per hour of usage, after charging Rs.1500 for unlimited usage in advance! Their technical, billing and management personnel all had varying answers such as "we do not have an unlimited plan for prepaid" after having sold it with printed pamphlets at Reliance Web World, "we have unlimited prepaid plan but its new; not everyone knows", "you're billed for data download" (on an unlimited plan, yes!), "we'll look into it", "call back in 96 hours", "there were billing problems, but we have resolved it, recharge again and check", "we can't give you refund, there's no policy like that", etc. I was spending additional money for calling them from my cell phone... over many many complaints spread over 2 months, they refunded all that I lost in duplicate deductions (except the first month's Rs.1500!!!), but deducted it all the next day. Another complaint, another 96 hrs, another response, another escalation, more calls from cell, more money lost. Again many complaints later, I told them I'll go to consumer court. They refunded the amount, accepting everything verbally a day before the month end, deducted all of it again 2 days later. Why again? Simple.. they said my refund was valid for that month only. Yes, for 2 days, the amount was valid to be used for data downloads, but that data download was already paid for that month with Rs.1500 unlimited package. So its money, available for 2days, that you can't use. I lost the battle there too, because they moved to a great policy of responding to each email and phone complaint with "billed for data charges" and never replied to what the unlimited Rs. 1500 that reduced to Rs. 999 later was for. Their definition of unlimited data downloads was a non-english set of terms that meant bill-per-hour-anyway. I couldn't win with stupidity... I gave up.
I shifted geography where we have BSNL, who are very simple, straightforward people. They give you what you ask for... well, when they want. We got our Dataone BSNL DSL connection at Vasai after around 1.5 yrs after applying for it. DoT (Dept of Telecom) had called it the year of broadband in India... I do not know what their definition of India was or definition of year was. Perhaps, they meant they would take at least a year in giving broadband to anyone in India! Well, that was before I moved here. After moving, I upgraded the account to unlimited usage, something that BSNL knows and understands better than Reliance. Well, I thought so! They moved my account from 250 bucks pm to 750 pm, added 750 for additional deposit and billed me whatever telephone calls and taxes cost last month. All settled neatly now. Again, I thought so! For some reason, the line's gone noisy and due to that its irritating to make and receive calls; the internet disconnects every five minutes for anywhere between 30 secs to 3 mins! Complaints haven't helped since 4 weeks, because they call me up asking "has the phone started working?" even if I clarify each time that the phone's working, but i) there's static on the line and ii) DSL fails every 5mins! "Okay", they say "we'll look into it". Then we're back to square one. To top that, this month, they billed me 750 for "unlimited internet usage" plus 16k (yes, Rs.16000!) for "internet usage". Interesting, very interesting. I'm sure they have an explanation for this. They all do. Its just that I will never understand. I can never win, but this time, I've some other perspective. I'll get to this soon, but before that lets take a detour to movies... yes, Office Space... I'll tie it in, believe me. Here's the dialog exchange between leads:
PETER: I, uh, I don't like my job. I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
JOANNA: You're just not gonna go?
PETER: Yeah.
JOANNA: Won't you get fired?
PETER: I don't know. But I really don't like it so I'm not gonna go.
JOANNA: (LAUGHS) So you're gonna quit?
PETER: No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
Do you see how this ties up now? Where Office Space helps is Reliance and BSNL have one difference in their billing me nonsense: Reliance was prepaid, they had my money; BSNL is postpaid, they want my money. Here's my Office Space knowledge applied to BSNL:
me: I, uh, I don't like my ISP. I don't think I'm gonna pay anymore.
them: You're just not gonna pay?
me: Yeah.
them: Won't BSNL disconnect?
me: I don't know. But I really don't like this huge overbilling nonsense so I'm not gonna pay.
them: (LAUGH) So you're gonna disconnect?
me: No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop paying.
Here I recall Seinfeld (The Chinese Restaurant):
Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?"
Expectations from life
Hari Om!
(Originally written a couple of weeks back)
Its stupid to expect that life has anything to offer at all. I don't necessarily mean that in a negative sense, but it ain't optimistic either. The optimists are prone to shocks like no one else, while the pessimistic miss all the fun and adventure. There's a realistic line that one needs to draw, cross over it knowingly for all the fun and just not have hopes high. If the hope was low, you're in for a pleasant surprise when something good comes your way. You'll have readied for the bad news anyway. Of course, its said in the adage Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but thats not really what I mean. Give up that living on hope and instead *just* live. Plain living, no add ons of hope, make it much better. It wastes no time in planning post failures. Have plans, not that you need none, but have more than one. Contingency planning is more important than the original blueprint since you've got to be just too lucky to get everything right the first way everytime. Just switch plans when things go wayward and dump everything and go on a new unplanned plan if they go haywire. But just work towards the goal. As long as the direction is right, the pace is immaterial.
(Originally written a couple of weeks back)
Its stupid to expect that life has anything to offer at all. I don't necessarily mean that in a negative sense, but it ain't optimistic either. The optimists are prone to shocks like no one else, while the pessimistic miss all the fun and adventure. There's a realistic line that one needs to draw, cross over it knowingly for all the fun and just not have hopes high. If the hope was low, you're in for a pleasant surprise when something good comes your way. You'll have readied for the bad news anyway. Of course, its said in the adage Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but thats not really what I mean. Give up that living on hope and instead *just* live. Plain living, no add ons of hope, make it much better. It wastes no time in planning post failures. Have plans, not that you need none, but have more than one. Contingency planning is more important than the original blueprint since you've got to be just too lucky to get everything right the first way everytime. Just switch plans when things go wayward and dump everything and go on a new unplanned plan if they go haywire. But just work towards the goal. As long as the direction is right, the pace is immaterial.
Why want anything?
Hari Om
(Originally written a couple of weeks back)
I wrote something like this in an entry on boredom much earlier on, but here's the deal. The trap set is an abyss; there's no easy getting out. In fact, its just easing you in more and more and then some more. An unsolvable mystery, something that you're trying to solve, yes, but you don't even know the question clearly. Its vague. Its out there, its felt, its within, still we don't know. Imagine no shadow while in the sun, can you? Its something like that, always with you. But, across lives, you've got yourself zilch!
Its a crazy life if you spend a little time with yourself and watch your mind crave for anything, be it a little, be it unimportant, be it just, or not! Why want any thing, or be it any person? Why have more people in your life, why possess more things than what you are already stuck with, having a choice or not? Need a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, a beautiful wife, loving children, parents forever, all the things that bring pleasure? Just so that it makes life easier to live with! It helps forget that we're alone. All of us. Individuals. So much so that you can't even try to stay alone while asleep. The freaky mind goes ahead and dreams people and things that it couldn't satisfy itself with during the waking hours! More wants, more craving. But, mind ya, the happiness still isn't there out in the dreams either! Where does the mind find it then, but in sleep? Try living an insomniac's life for a while and you'll know exactly what I mean. The mind gives up hunting nonsense after a long fed, unquenchable, hunger of wants and finds solace in the deepest of sleep when truly left to oneself. That, my friends, is the non-craved, want-free world of the Self. Thats what we all are searching in things and people, in relations, in quarrels, in love, in sensual pleasures. Having such an unstoppable love towards the deep sleep state, strangely enough, we all are scared of the longest and the best of all sleeps, an ironic fear of death!
Back to wants, forget others for an instant, lets take the selfish gene: me. Why want money, land, a house, a garden? Just because I can put a fence around an area where I can live with myself, deprived of the world of pleasure and pain? But what about the crooked mind that I've to live with? How am I gonna tame it, if at all it is tamable? They say, by meditation. But God only knows what meditation is, its sitting in a corner, fencing yourself from the mind too. And then, you're stuck with another piece of junk that comes up, and you fence it, and then you've another and yet another and its ad infinitum. Wouldn't it be frustrating then? You've isolated yourself from the world of wants, but all that is within you, within the confines of yourself! The money and land that comes deservingly, comes without pain. If it pains, its coming with a feeling of guilt, cutting into a bigger piece of a pie when others are starving; its like stealing!
So what am I saying here? That there's no happiness in the world out there as we know and there's no success in the world within that we're trying to know? No. What I'm saying is that as long as you regret what you're doing, be it in the world outside or that inside, the mind will always want you to change things as they are and then its all gone. The change will come in the form of a want and that want, unmet, will be a craving. Once it craves, you don't have the want anymore, the want has you! Instead, let it go. If the change imposes itself, go with the flow, carelessly. Then the change is no longer a want, its a happening. Don't hang on to even meditation, its just another drug then. As much as you want it, its not meditation anymore. Meditation is a happening, you can't resist it, it flawlessly flows. Else its a hypnosis, self-imposed, nonsense, fooling others and yourself. Pray. Not for anything in particular. Pray because you have to. No attachments, nothing, a prayer. A prayer for yourself, since you're part of that everything: vasudhaiva kuTumbakam; not a selfish prayer meant for yourself alone: sah vIryaM karvAvahai. Don't hold on to the today, turning into yesterday. Things *always* shape up the way they're meant to be. Let go and let it pass. Someday, the coming tomorrow will have in its hands, a deserving break, a break from all shackles. Till then, live unto this sickening world so that you can die unto it, painlessly, effortlessly, with pleasure, with bliss, the point of no return.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)