In thoughtless thinking
Uttering speechless words
Doing actionless deed
In crowded space
Among still winds
And soothing fire
Drenched in dry waters
Floating on earth
In confusing clarity
Of zeroth infinity
Immersed in deep sleep
Wakefully dreaming
In that noisy silence
Tied by complete freedom
I blissfully remain!
Interesting discussion
During my land issue follow up, I used to spend a lot of time every day with the people who were helping me. I didn't have much option to avoid topics that popped up that I avoid, at times bluntly. Somehow the kind Lord helps me voice words automatically at times without really being bothered if I tend to offend someone in the process :)
Here's one such chat in the sequence that I recall now: P is the elderly person and S his son. Of course, me's me:
P: So, is anushThAnA (rituals) going in full swing?
me: Its going on, slowly picking up. Its not so much of an anushThAnA, but svAdhyAya (self-study).
P: So you've no plans to marry or anything?
me: Right now, I don't have any plans!
P: Bring your horoscope. We'll see what it says about your spiritual path.
me: No, no, if I give you my horoscope, you'll check on marriage.
P: Well, I'll show it to a person who tell it as things are, without any biases whatsoever.
me: Why bother about it? Whatever is guru icche, things will go accordingly.
P: Anyway, bring your horoscope.
me: I don't have it, its in Bombay.
P: Get it.
me: Hmm.
P: Well, without the horoscope also, we can find out. We can ask him Qs. You wouldn't know how to ask the right Qs, I should be around.
me: Oh well, if you're around, you'll ask all the wrong Qs.
P: So what is the plan ahead?
me: Nothing, continue the svAdhyAya and see where it leads.
P: How about staying in the ashrama in seclusion for a while? There's a kuteer where Swamiji Himself stayed.
me: Yes, someone offered me that when I approached the ashrama a year back, but I don't have the guts to stay there. I do not have such chitta shuddhi.
P: S, how about putting Bhatru (me) in the ashrama for a few months?
S: No, no, not the ashrama. Let this land issue get settled, we'll get him a place and a house here and get him into grishastAshrama instead or send him to Bangalore.
me: No thanks, I'd rather go to Bangalore than in grihastAshrama.
P: Why, you should get married, raise children who will do much good to society.
me: In any case, what is the guarantee that the children will turn out good?
P: You should not think like that. The children will go on you and so, will be in your image...
me: Whoever claimed that I'm good?
P: You shouldn't say that. Well, don't you feel like getting married and living a family life? Are you or are you not a man?
me: na purusha na ca strI na ca napuMsaka.
(I don't think the talk went much further after this.)
P: Anyway, get the horoscope and we'll at least see why you ran into land trouble.
me: Hmm.
Here's one such chat in the sequence that I recall now: P is the elderly person and S his son. Of course, me's me:
P: So, is anushThAnA (rituals) going in full swing?
me: Its going on, slowly picking up. Its not so much of an anushThAnA, but svAdhyAya (self-study).
P: So you've no plans to marry or anything?
me: Right now, I don't have any plans!
P: Bring your horoscope. We'll see what it says about your spiritual path.
me: No, no, if I give you my horoscope, you'll check on marriage.
P: Well, I'll show it to a person who tell it as things are, without any biases whatsoever.
me: Why bother about it? Whatever is guru icche, things will go accordingly.
P: Anyway, bring your horoscope.
me: I don't have it, its in Bombay.
P: Get it.
me: Hmm.
P: Well, without the horoscope also, we can find out. We can ask him Qs. You wouldn't know how to ask the right Qs, I should be around.
me: Oh well, if you're around, you'll ask all the wrong Qs.
P: So what is the plan ahead?
me: Nothing, continue the svAdhyAya and see where it leads.
P: How about staying in the ashrama in seclusion for a while? There's a kuteer where Swamiji Himself stayed.
me: Yes, someone offered me that when I approached the ashrama a year back, but I don't have the guts to stay there. I do not have such chitta shuddhi.
P: S, how about putting Bhatru (me) in the ashrama for a few months?
S: No, no, not the ashrama. Let this land issue get settled, we'll get him a place and a house here and get him into grishastAshrama instead or send him to Bangalore.
me: No thanks, I'd rather go to Bangalore than in grihastAshrama.
P: Why, you should get married, raise children who will do much good to society.
me: In any case, what is the guarantee that the children will turn out good?
P: You should not think like that. The children will go on you and so, will be in your image...
me: Whoever claimed that I'm good?
P: You shouldn't say that. Well, don't you feel like getting married and living a family life? Are you or are you not a man?
me: na purusha na ca strI na ca napuMsaka.
(I don't think the talk went much further after this.)
P: Anyway, get the horoscope and we'll at least see why you ran into land trouble.
me: Hmm.
Tricky middle path
I've had people asking me on how it'd work quitting a job, the city, staying in a village, earning on need basis, not joining an ashram, etc. One shouldn't join an ashram with extra baggage of commitments. Thats how my thinking has been. Apart from this there's a very important factor of not being ready for the serious extreme step. The sAdhana chAtushTaya is not a one day thing, nor is it something you learn on joining an ashram. It'd be as weird as going to college without even doing primary schooling! Well, there are other reasons but those are the main ones.
So what is this middle path that I intend to try? Its like trying to build an ashram kind of discipline around where you live. Its a life of building purity in thought, word and deed, especially for a brahmachAri. Its a life of seclusion, without much worldly contact, barring your commitments, focused on nitya karmas, svAdhyAya, satsanga, that increases gradually to fill the most of your waking time. Its about reducing your wants to the point that you could live with bare necessities.
Its not a lifelong vacation or quitting a job because you've made enough money or you want to laze out your life. I left a decently paying job because I find something much better in spirituality. No one would expect you to spend hours with them chitchatting things when you've a neat job, but they strangely seem to think that something a lot more important than that has hours to spare! They think that since you're sitting at home, you're willing to go with them for a vacation or visit them, or spend time in useless gossip or discussing things that you left for good, or are at least trying with all your heart. I was getting so impatient losing precious time in activities and around worldly people, talking mostly about their jobs, family, relatives, friends, problems, gossip, that I took to switching off my cell, keeping off the internet and staying indoors for a few days; that really helped. I think I'll have to do that for longer durations henceforth since if I return online or get outdoors or switch the phone on, I've to get into all that I want to avoid. I don't mind satsanga though, in fact I crave for it, but its rare to find it. There are very few out there who want to discuss religion and spirituality, but instead talk about almost anything else. All such talk pulls you back right into misery away from spirituality, not only during the time that you're in such petty talk, when you risk participating in it too, but worse yet, afterwards. Thats when the thoughts start revisiting the plane of misery even during sAdhana and satsanga!
Its a cruel world with its wants, based on social norms, weighing not what is important to you, not even wanting to learn! I've tried weaning myself away from it, unwilling to hurt, but sometimes it needs a band-aid kind of quick action ripping off, one time hurting and thats that. If that too fails and none of my approaches work to focus on my path, I may have to throw the middle path away and take the plunge on to the other side. All in good time.
So what is this middle path that I intend to try? Its like trying to build an ashram kind of discipline around where you live. Its a life of building purity in thought, word and deed, especially for a brahmachAri. Its a life of seclusion, without much worldly contact, barring your commitments, focused on nitya karmas, svAdhyAya, satsanga, that increases gradually to fill the most of your waking time. Its about reducing your wants to the point that you could live with bare necessities.
Its not a lifelong vacation or quitting a job because you've made enough money or you want to laze out your life. I left a decently paying job because I find something much better in spirituality. No one would expect you to spend hours with them chitchatting things when you've a neat job, but they strangely seem to think that something a lot more important than that has hours to spare! They think that since you're sitting at home, you're willing to go with them for a vacation or visit them, or spend time in useless gossip or discussing things that you left for good, or are at least trying with all your heart. I was getting so impatient losing precious time in activities and around worldly people, talking mostly about their jobs, family, relatives, friends, problems, gossip, that I took to switching off my cell, keeping off the internet and staying indoors for a few days; that really helped. I think I'll have to do that for longer durations henceforth since if I return online or get outdoors or switch the phone on, I've to get into all that I want to avoid. I don't mind satsanga though, in fact I crave for it, but its rare to find it. There are very few out there who want to discuss religion and spirituality, but instead talk about almost anything else. All such talk pulls you back right into misery away from spirituality, not only during the time that you're in such petty talk, when you risk participating in it too, but worse yet, afterwards. Thats when the thoughts start revisiting the plane of misery even during sAdhana and satsanga!
Its a cruel world with its wants, based on social norms, weighing not what is important to you, not even wanting to learn! I've tried weaning myself away from it, unwilling to hurt, but sometimes it needs a band-aid kind of quick action ripping off, one time hurting and thats that. If that too fails and none of my approaches work to focus on my path, I may have to throw the middle path away and take the plunge on to the other side. All in good time.
Punya
Last month, I took a trip to my native village and visited my kuladevasthAna after a while. I rarely visit temples and thats why there was a delay. There I met the priest (also a relative, btw) who officiated my upanayana.
After offering prayers, when he was to bless me, before he asked of something worldly for me, I jumped guns and asked for adhyAtmika sadhana. Perhaps, thats the problem with asking relatives to bless for a non-family-oriented life, they get carried away into emotions. In fact, these are the reasons that I avoid visiting relatives, etc. So what he did instead is to tell me so: "that needs purva janma puNya". Whether or not the kind priest intended it that way, it suddenly all made so much sense: it does need purva janma puNya and contrary to what he asks for me, the all-loving God will give me what I deserve. If I feel my path is fallen, it sure has due to same reasons, but if I do have that prArabdha, no one can stop me from the Lord's blessing me with sAdhana I deserve and one that is tailor made befitting my very own nature. Wasn't that trip lovely now? Sure it was... an uncrowded, blissful darshan of Lord Ganesha, elderly satsanga and an answer to a lingering question. What more can a sAdhaka ask for!
hari om tat sat
After offering prayers, when he was to bless me, before he asked of something worldly for me, I jumped guns and asked for adhyAtmika sadhana. Perhaps, thats the problem with asking relatives to bless for a non-family-oriented life, they get carried away into emotions. In fact, these are the reasons that I avoid visiting relatives, etc. So what he did instead is to tell me so: "that needs purva janma puNya". Whether or not the kind priest intended it that way, it suddenly all made so much sense: it does need purva janma puNya and contrary to what he asks for me, the all-loving God will give me what I deserve. If I feel my path is fallen, it sure has due to same reasons, but if I do have that prArabdha, no one can stop me from the Lord's blessing me with sAdhana I deserve and one that is tailor made befitting my very own nature. Wasn't that trip lovely now? Sure it was... an uncrowded, blissful darshan of Lord Ganesha, elderly satsanga and an answer to a lingering question. What more can a sAdhaka ask for!
hari om tat sat
Thoughts 82-83
82. Give away everything you can, so that someday you can give up everything.
83. Its a sin to eat more than what the body needs.
What use are dreams?
Having written of a dream experience in the last blog entry, I tried to think of some simple straightforward line of questioning for use of sadhana:
- Suppose you were thirsty while sleeping at night; you got up, still sleepy, and had a glass of water and slept again. No one saw you. In the morning, you wonder if it was a dream or you actually had water. No one can confirm it, since you alone witnessed your drinking water. Whats the guarantee it wasn't a dream?
- Someone visits your house after you've retired to bed for the night. You meet this unknown person and have a simple chat before returning to sleep. Next day, this person isn't around to confirm if he met ya or if it was a dream, indeed! You being the only witness, you vouch that you met him, while it may well have been a dream. How sure are you?
- If the same person appears in a dream, will you be able to tell the difference between the dream and the waking incidents? Then whats the assurance that right now you're not dreaming of all the people around you; since ages; that this entire world is your dream, including the place you're at, reading this? There's none!
Dream about dreaming
Avastha traya analysis has always been an inherent passtime for me. I've blogged and voiced unknowingly of things before reading concrete Vedanta examples on avastha traya. But what has been of most interest in the very recent past is a dream that brings so much experience in this so-far-theoretical approach...
Few nights back, I'd gotten up late into the night to go to the bathroom and after a wash, I was thinking whether to have a bath! But I was also thinking that its stupid to have a bath at this hour and again go back to sleep. Funnily, a thought arose right then that this *is* a dream and my having a cold water bath will not drench my body in the waking state! Soon I began the bath, the water was cold, but lo! it was indeed a dream. I drifted into deep sleep and woke up the next morning to recall this vividly, yet so blissfully.
Now, only if this experience can be taken forward into a more positive spiritual practice. Only if that happens... soon!
Fooled again?
Life is the biggest thief
Dropping like an autumn leaf
It steals away all your years
Leaving behind dried tears
It fools you, letting loose
While its faking a truce
The battle is still on
You're being tramped upon
An escape run is behind pleasures
Without knowing how it measures
Illusive is the happiness that seems
Its nothing like the bliss that beams
Its the one that doesn't exist
But yet, endlessly, so you insist
You keep enjoying the day of birth
Knowing not its hardly a mirth
The truth is that you die
Each moment you live such a lie
Every time a shock comes your way
Making you grow wise, you say
But its the same trick played on you
Why else would you repeat what you always do?
You damn fool! There are no wise men
Not even one among many a ten
If they exist, its not for you to see
But only a good story to tell and glee
Else, wouldn't you follow them instead?
Trying not to lay still on a cosy bed
Having known the pain out here
Yelling every now and then, O dear!
Relishing the picture instead of the place
Sit and watch, against being in the race!
Now that you chose to stay back
Bless you your own lost track
Then happily look back at memories
And those nonsensical poetic diaries!
Dropping like an autumn leaf
It steals away all your years
Leaving behind dried tears
It fools you, letting loose
While its faking a truce
The battle is still on
You're being tramped upon
An escape run is behind pleasures
Without knowing how it measures
Illusive is the happiness that seems
Its nothing like the bliss that beams
Its the one that doesn't exist
But yet, endlessly, so you insist
You keep enjoying the day of birth
Knowing not its hardly a mirth
The truth is that you die
Each moment you live such a lie
Every time a shock comes your way
Making you grow wise, you say
But its the same trick played on you
Why else would you repeat what you always do?
You damn fool! There are no wise men
Not even one among many a ten
If they exist, its not for you to see
But only a good story to tell and glee
Else, wouldn't you follow them instead?
Trying not to lay still on a cosy bed
Having known the pain out here
Yelling every now and then, O dear!
Relishing the picture instead of the place
Sit and watch, against being in the race!
Now that you chose to stay back
Bless you your own lost track
Then happily look back at memories
And those nonsensical poetic diaries!
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